Love is, by all means torture
by nair4ever
Summary: She can fall in love with him, just as much as she needs to fall out of love from the other. Dair/Nair love triangle. Slightly AU, with traces of Serenate and possible other pairings. Rating T-M
1. The clutter of my heart

Hello everyone! If you come from my prompt story you already know what's up, and if you're a new reader simply enjoy.

This is part one (that most of you probably read and can skip to the middle of the chapter) and part two of _Love is, by all means torture._

* * *

_**Part 1**_

* * *

Noise. That's all she can hear from the people around her. Loud, useless, headache giving noise. She turns around a couple of times just to get the slightest hint of where she is and where she's supposed to go. People are laughing, grinning from ear to ear while they parade around with their diplomas. It is sort of animalistic actually, that strong urge to dominate and shove your success in to other people's faces. She used to be just like that, raw, unapologetic and a brag. Oh how the times change. Her mother is approaching her, she has that _proud mother/ tear stained look_ down, it makes Blair want to laugh out loud. She is surprised mother even knew it was her graduation today. At least her dad is here….or her_ dads_ as Harold tries to enforce, but she refuses. She will never use the term 'dad' to describe her father's lover Roman, never. Eleanor is talking something about the celebratory dinner afterwards, she is only halfway listening. Desperate to escape, her eyes start going through the crowd again and finally she spots who she's looking for, well at least one half of it.

Telepathically she calls for his help, and surprising enough he actually turns around. His smile is an indication that he gets what she needs. He apologizes himself from the person he's talking to and immediately starts going towards her.

''Miss Waldorf-'' he speaks as he reaches them ''-you look as stunning as ever.''

Her mother beams, taking the compliment well. ''Thank you Daniel, I can say the same thing about you, you should wear suits more often darling, they…suit you.'' She jokes and he laughs back. Blair sends him a look to cut it short, she wants to get out of here.

''Would you mind if I borrowed your daughter for a little while, I have to introduce her to someone.''

Eleanor is reluctant at first as she wanted to show Blair around for a moment longer, but smiles nevertheless. ''Sure, I'll speak to the two of you later. Daniel we'll see you at our dinner later, yes?''

''Of course, Miss Waldorf.'' Eleanor nods and in all her grace walks away. Blair sighs when she's finally far enough.

''You sure don't understand what the term _wrap it up _means, do you?'' She comments, and takes a glass of champagne from the waiter that hands them around.

''It's not my fault she likes me.'' Dan speaks with a proud smile to what she responds with an eye roll.

''Sure-'' she takes a rather large sip of her drink ''-I can't wait to get away from here, and I don't just mean the graduation, but this place entirely. I just can't anymore…with mother and all these people. Aren't you tired too?''

''Are you from yesterday? Of course I'm tired of it. I just have a stronger filter than you do. Why are you stressing over it now, you'll be in New Haven before you even know it.''

''Don't be so sure of it.'' She nervously bites her bottom lip. He takes much more from her action than he should. The thing is, he's been dealing with all these feelings for her lately, non friendship feelings and it's scaring the hell out of him. They've been friends since he can remember and so far it went without any complications. Then growing up kicked in and the girl he once saw like he saw any other girl or even a boy, now became the epitome of beauty in his mind. It was driving him crazy, especially because he was completely and utterly helpless about it. Why?

''Nate, finally.'' She beams from ear to ear and leans in to hug him.

_That's why._

''I've been looking everywhere for the two of you, this shit is horribly boring. We should bail.'' He says while taking out a cigarette.

''No, Nate-'' Blair scrunches up her nose ''-you promised you wouldn't do it around me. Go get lung cancer somewhere else.'' She gives him a playful show. She is so small compared to him, but feisty. Still her action doesn't even make him flinch. He just laughs adoringly to her.

''I apologize, my queen.'' He teases and puts the box of Merit back in his pocket.

''Man, you look like you've just figured out the meaning of life, what's going on?'' Nate asks with a smirk. Dan shakes his head and returns with a slight smirk of his own.

''Nothing, just….nothing.'' Nate likes her too, loves her even. Dan can see it in his eyes. He looks at her with just as much adoration in him. Neither of them ever mentioned it. There's too much to risk. They're best friends by all means, all three of them, neither would dare to question that or do anything to ruin it. The only question is, how much longer can that last?

''Well come on, there's a thing in the Hamptons, like a pre-college party.''

''Yeah, Serena told me about that earlier.'' Blair commented, both hers and Nate's eyes immediately went to him in a pleading manner.

He sighs deeply, he hates those prepped rich kids parties, the duo before him loves them though so he really has no choice. Especially when they are giving him those doe eyed pleading looks, well at least Blair, Nate has more of an _I will be really pissed if you bail on me_ look. It still works on him, it always does.

''It's not like the Hamptons are around the corner, it's already like five.''

Both of them just roll their eyes. ''It will be fun, think of it as a mini road trip.'' Blair chimes in. ''Please?'' she pleads.

''What about your mother's dinner?''

Blair sighs. Always the voice of reason that man is. Well, she is not. With or without him, she is going and that she lets him know.

''She doesn't even remember about that anymore. Look, you go or not, I have Nate to keep me company.''

This is the part when a silent cry erupts inside of him. If he didn't know any better, he'd be sure she's doing this on purpose.

''Fine, I'm going.'' He says. She immediately jumps on to hug him, releasing that cage of butterflies in his stomach. He has never hated an animal more.

''Great, Nate's already looking for the car.''

Ecstatic that this day is finally taking a better turn, she goes around for a couple of more minutes, just to say goodbye to everyone she won't see at the party. She excuses herself to her parents, Eleanor is displeased at first, but tells her to have fun anyways and her father, wanting to be the perfect father, tells her to hurry up and go already. She gives each one a kiss on the cheek- ignoring Roman and politely passes by.

Dan is heading outside, and she spots Nate on the parking lot leaning against his new vintage convertible, a graduation gift from his grandfather. The sight makes Blair's heart skip a beat, she doesn't even know why. Well okay, maybe she does. She broke a promise she made to herself, the one of never falling for either Nate or Dan.

It all started on the day of the snow storm. It was so awful Dan couldn't get from Brooklyn to the UES, but since Nate and her live down the street from one another, they spent the afternoon together at her place. The storm got out of control later on so he stayed and spent the night at the Waldorf brownstone. It wasn't the first time, but it was the first time in a long time they spent together alone, just the two of them. She enjoyed it far more than she should, but decided to ignore it. Her life would be simpler if that was the end of the story, but nothing in her life has ever been simple.

They got bored, found the key to her father's liquor cabinet and the rest is history. She lost her virginity to Nate Archibald that day. It wasn't the way she expected for it to happen, but she doesn't even regret it; he was nothing but careful and loving with her, it's what you get after knowing each other for such a long time. She expected to see him gone the next morning, but he was still there, laying next to her. Sober and clear headed he dared to admit that he does have feelings for her, but given the situation it's not the best thing in the world. It was a mutual decision never to mention it to Dan or anyone for that matter. Nate was scared he'd lose Dan as a friend and Blair was scared he'd think less of her because of her decisions. It was all too much. It's something she's tried so hard to keep to herself for the past year or so. But karma came back and her feelings for Nate resurfaced. It's nothing Blair will act on, but it's always gonna be there at the back of her mind, eating its way through her core. That is until she finds a way to get over him.

''Oh come on, you guys are taking forever.'' Nate groaned and hopped on to the driver's seat. Dan took the passenger seat while Blair sat in the back.

''Why so impatient Archibald, too scared that all the hot chicks will be taken by the time we get there.'' Dan teased to what Blair simply scrunched up her nose. She started typing furiously on her phone just to get the matter out of her head.

''First-'' Nate holds up his pointer finger as he starts the engine ''- there's always enough hot chicks when you're hot as me, equal levels of hotness attract-'' he jokes being his typical self. Dan laughs out loud but Blair doesn't find it funny at all ''- and second, Blair-'' he gives her a look through his rear-view mirror ''-if you put any more impact on your phone when you type, it's going to explode.''

Blair simply rolls her eyes and groans. The two boys immediately notice something is up, but knowing Blair it's better not to mention anything, at least not yet.

''Just shut up and drive Archibald-'' she puts the phone closer to her ear ''- I want to get there before everyone's so drunk they can't see clearly.''

She ignores them for the next twenty minutes or so due to her phone conversation with Serena. It is mostly a quiet ride, especially for her. Dan and Nate exchange comments now and then and laugh at stuff, but she just stays there in the back, quiet to herself. When they finally get there, her spirits lift up. She sees all of those people who she generally hated for the most of high school but is also generally going to miss when she leaves for college. Serena is the first to greet them, she is full of good energy which immediately cheers Blair up too. The blonde then goes on to hug Dan and Nate. Dan didn't like her in particular, he only ever saw her as a trashier blonde version of Blair who doesn't really care for anything but her good looks, and she hasn't proven him wrong yet. Nate however enjoyed her company more, he often hung out with her, along with Chuck Bass, Georgina Sparks, Carter Baizen and a lot of other people Dan couldn't stand. Blair only liked about half of them. She had a short fling with Carter a couple of years ago that didn't end well, so she only smiled awkwardly as she passed him. She went straight to the bar to get herself a much needed Cosmo just because she could.

Dan joined her a couple of minutes later after he said hi to some of his own friends who were surprisingly there. Graduation really does make people come together, huh. He cracked open a beer and leaned against the counter next to Blair. Her eyes were seemingly following Nate as he mingled with the crowd, high-fiving some of his lacrosse buddies now and then, winking to a girl or two. It was a spectacle really.

''I don't understand how he can do it, honestly.'' He speaks suddenly. Her head quickly turns in to his direction, her mouth forming a slight ''O''.

''You startled me.'' She laughs quietly, then adds. ''Do what?''

''That-'' he points towards their friend ''-like how the hell does he feel like just being with all those people all the time, I mean he is literally friends with everyone, a jock or a nerd. Sometimes, when he goes around talking to people like that, it looks like he's preparing for a presidential campaign.''

Both of them burst out laughing at his comment.

''Nate Archibald, the man of people...sounds about right-'' Blair adds on. ''-I don't know, he's always just so patient I guess….or careless.''

''I couldn't do it, not for the death of me.'' Dan says. It is a dark thought, his whole mind is. The fact that he gets annoyed by the littlest things people do, makes him want to scream in frustration with himself. It is that and his strong sense of sarcasm that makes people think he's weird, either that or they're scared of him. Blair was a mixture of both; everyone knew who she was and wanted to be around her, just as much everyone feared her. Especially those underclassmen who followed her around like puppies. It was pathetic by all means, but for Blair it only created a stronger image.

''You're an intellectual Dan, you understand just how deadly relationships with people can be. I've always admired that.'' She says and leans her head on his shoulder. She can't quite explain it, but the level of comfort she is currently feeling is powering enough to make her forget that Nate is flirting with a girl just a few meters away from her.

Dan is surprised with her movement, but doesn't say a thing. This time before overanalyzing it, he lets himself enjoy the moment.

''It was crazy, the police just showed up-'' she speaks excitedly, what is her name again? Stacy? Stella? Not that it matters, his mind isn't where it should be and he hasn't listened for the past five minutes. How could he? Not with Blair leaning all over Dan, that's for sure. He tries his best not to let his temper take over. He is here to get drunk out of his mind and forget about all of it. Forget about _her_.

''Yeah, crazy.'' He cuts her off. ''Hey-'' he takes the half full glass of some suspicious looking red liquid from her hand ''-let me get you a new one, okay?'' He grins in that charming way that no girl on this world can stay phlegmatic at.

Blair sees him approaching them and unconsciously lifts her head from Dan's shoulders. She smoothes over invisible creases on her dress just to keep herself occupied.

''Hey-'' he speaks in a half annoyed tone, or is it just her wild imagination? ''-having fun?'' No, she is definitely right. He is annoyed. What an interesting turn of events.

Dan shrugs and keeps sipping his beer while she leans back against the bar. ''Not as much as you, that one looks like a dream.'' Blair says in a mocking tone, while on the inside jealousy peaks it's ugly head. The girl he was talking to just now is by all means gorgeous, in fact she does look like a dream, but Nate doesn't have to know she thinks that.

''I know right-'' he pokes right back ''- she's like the hottest girl I've ever seen.''

Dan suddenly finds himself in the middle of a very uncomfortable exchange. Nate has a proud smirk plastered on his face, whilst Blair looks like she's about to cry. She takes her Cosmo from the counter and excuses herself.

''Enjoy.'' She says hatefully before leaving them.

''Dude, what the hell?'' Dan scowls. ''Was it really necessary to be so mean to her?''

''Mean? She started it.'' He fights back. ''She's been leaning all over-'' you, almost slips from his mouth, but he bites down on his tongue in time. ''You know what, doesn't matter. Are you seriously taking her side in this?''

For once, Dan doesn't have anything smart to say.

''And let's say I was being mean to her, she does far worse things to you and me on a daily basis and no one bats an eye. Since when do we have to censure around each other? Never took you for a double standard enthusiast Humphrey''

Dan feels slightly guilty for making assumptions. Oddly, Nate has a point. This is why he hates these parties, he should have listened to his primer instincts and stayed at home. Now he is stuck here, his main priority being to keep his best friends from killing each other. What an extraordinary night!

''Honestly, the two of you do just whatever you want-'' he sounds dramatic even to himself, he's been spending way too much time with Blair ''-but keep me out of it.''

Nate rubs his temple to relieve some of the pent up tension in there. Blair's always been excessive with her feelings, maybe he was starting to act like that too. His night is taking a turn from enthusiastic to depressing and surprisingly he blames himself for it. His eyes search the crowd for someone, anyone to get this out of his head. Usually the first person he runs to is Dan, but he looks rather pissed that they even dragged him here, left alone does he have the nerve to ask for advice. Ironically her petite form wrapped from head to toe in Chanel's summer wear is the first thing he notices. She is in a group of people, each of them giving their fullest attention to her. It would be a tragedy not to, especially with her natural charisma that just draws you in. He isn't the only one impressed by that and as the group around her slowly breaks apart, there is still a dark haired guy he's never met before that sticks around. The blood in his vessels boils as the aforementioned 'gentleman' puts his hand on her hip. In a blink of an eyelash his old competitive, passive aggressive, jealous self is back, only this time backed up with alcohol.

Serena should have been the first to notice this when he approached her a few moments later, it wasn't entirely her fault that she didn't. After all, she was just a girl like any other while he was not like any other; he was charming, stunning and absolutely magnetizing. He hands her a drink he ordered from the bar and she takes it, setting the foundation for the most disastrous evening there could be. Nate Archibald is unusually flirty, when she calls him out for it, he blames his friendly nature. She throws her head back in giggles, not even the slightest aware that her best friend is shooting daggers through her just across the beach.

When they leave hand in hand after about twenty minutes, Blair has enough of it. She sets down what used to be a full glass of red and looks through her purse manically. When her eyes finally spot the shiny object she was looking for, a smile spreads across her features. Nate's car keys firmly in her hand, she marches through the crowd towards the parking lot. What she has in mind (which is to drive back home and leave that bastard here alone and car-less) is wrong on so many levels, mostly because she's had alcohol and it's not her car so it's basically stealing. Midst all she is leaving Dan behind, but she needs to do this on her own and Dan is smart enough to find himself a ride back home (even though he will hate her for this). As for Nate, she couldn't care less. At least that's what she says to herself. Yet when she finally finds the car and drives for a while, _Make you feel my love_ starts on the radio. Her face is full of tears as she cries hysterically. She stops a few times along the road to lit one of his fancy cigarettes that she despises so much. By the time she is home, it's three in the morning and the cigarettes are gone. She gets barely any sleep that night.

The next day still seems like a haze. She is awoken by a furious phone call from Dan who, despite her trying to explain that it was necessary, still thinks the worst of her actions. Her calls her imprudent and hangs up. _Good_, because if that phone call went on it wouldn't get any better. It is only the start of it. She is just about to open up the curtains when she spots a familiar rather angry figure rushing down the street. She abandons everything that she's doing and quickly throws on some clothes before rushing down in the speed of lightning. Her primary goal is to get down there before he gets a chance to get inside and before they make a scene in front of her mother that is inevitable. She bumps in to the doorman, immediately ordering for him to get inside, _she has a private conversation to do_. The man is hesitant, then she sends him one of her deadly stares and he walks away without another word.

Nate's eyes are wider than she ever saw them, they stand chest to chest. His eyes trace her body for a second, the fact that she is dressed in her nightgown clearly confusing him. However he isn't here to chat with her and he makes it clear by using a firm loud tone when he speaks.

'' You know for someone else this would be a new low, but for you, it's just another middle.''

''Be careful with the big words darling, you don't want to confuse yourself.''

He takes none of her usual mockery and stands firmly. ''No, you've done a pretty damn good job yourself-''

''-Ugh you've got to be kidding me-'' she loses it ''- someone who doesn't know the real you would fall for that clueless act of yours, but I won't.''

''Clueless act?! Here's an idea, why, the next time before you decide to go crazy on me you actually try to explain what the fuck your problem with me is!''

''My fucking problem with you is you! You make me insane, it's unbearable to be around you, you make me question my life choices, everything about you makes me want to scream from the bottom of my soul.''

''No, you'd have to have a soul for that-'' he hisses back. The early socialites and businessman passing the neighborhood are giving them strange looks. The fight goes on to such depth and width she can't even comprehend.

She yells, he yells back, she screams, he grunts. She throws his car keys at him, and throws all of her decency away too. By the very end, her eyes are burning with temptation to simply let it all out and cry for the rest of her life, because that is exactly how she feels. Her pride weighs in this time and she holds her breath till the very minute. He furiously shuts his car door as he gets in, driving off while she throws some more insults after him. It is only when she can no longer see him, that she feels his and her own words kicking in. She runs inside, locking herself in the privacy of her bedroom where she remains for the next two days.

* * *

The day her acceptance letter for Yale comes is a rainy one. The weather reflects her inner self very well and she can't blame everyone for frowning at her when she simply shrugs her shoulders after reading the letter.

''I got in.'' She says drily, she practically tosses the envelope to the coffee table and walks back to her room where she had spent the most of her summer vacation.

''Blair Cornelia Waldorf, is this a joke?'' her mother speaks using her authoritative tone.

''The fact that I got in or the fact that my head isn't exploding with happiness over it?'' her question leaves everyone in shock. The door of her room closes shut before anyone has time to ask any more persuasive and guilt giving questions.

It is two days before her departure and she is packing up the remaining of her clothes for New Heaven when Dan calls.

''We haven't talked for a while-'' he starts of, hearing his voice after a few months only makes her realize how much she had actually missed him. ''-we're both going to Yale…unless you resorted to NYU.''

His teasing makes her laugh, it being the first time she had laughed in quite some time. She simply sighs and makes a smart comment about him better not bringing his plaid shirts with him or else she'll be forced to go all Edward Scissorhands on him. She figures all is forgiven, at least for now and honestly she could use a friend now like never before. They talk for almost an hour and their talk is easy, that is until he mentions Nate.

''You know, he got in to Dartmouth,right? No surprise there.''

She decides to play dumb this time. ''Who are you talking about.''

She hears him sigh quietly, she can imagine him rolling his dark brown eyes with annoyance.

''Anyways-'' she can play dumb all she wants, but just like that he can ignore her ignorance ''-he is actually already there.''

She answers with silence. It is a good thing, because the less she has to say about him, means the less she thinks about him. Dan shouldn't have mentioned it, not when she doesn't care.

''You know, that's not all-'' he takes a pause before continuing ''-you know who else got a change of heart and is attending Dartmouth?''

She doesn't know, she's been isolating herself from everyone the entire summer. Dan knows it very well and feels a good dose of guilt for neglecting her for the entirety of it. She thinks it's because of the incident after the party, but the real reason is much deeper and much more painful for him. He always thought the three of them were equals which included equally caring for each other, but when he heard that Blair had in fact gone mad because of Nate, his whole perspective changed. Nate obviously had a much larger impact on her, her behavior these moths proved it. It filled Dan with unwanted anger and jealousy he tried to deny. Here he is, blindly falling for her like a fool, only to realize she suffers after another. This is where things get really messed up. All this time that he had known Nate, in his eyes, there wasn't a better guy than him. As his wingman, Dan would praise him, present him as some kind of royalty when trying to hook him up with girls. Everything changed when the girl who had fallen for him turned out to be Blair. In Dan's eyes, Nate will never be good enough for Blair. He hates hurting her and telling her what she should know will hurt her, but it's better for her to find out now then by a Gossip Girl blast.

''It's Serena.''

* * *

Blair puts down the highlighter she used to frantically underline almost her entire textbook because her professor is crazy and she is on the verge of failing his class. She takes out her favorite Mac lipgloss and runs it a few times over her bottom lip.

''A pretty girl like you doesn't need that, your lips are already perfect.''

She puts down the pocket mirror and smirks to the boy before her. Getting compliments from random boys that take classes with her is now a daily thing, she still hasn't decided whether she likes it or not. Well, it is definitely encouraged.

''Couldn't you come up with a better pick up line than that.'' She leans on her hand and watches with amusement.

''I couldn't think, your beauty threw me off.''

She throws her head back in laughter ''How predictably charming. I'd like to hear more of those original thoughts you have, but my class starts in five.'' She picks up her books and purse, sliding off of the stone bench in the garden-like study room that was out in nature. It is her favorite place on the whole campus, especially in the winter when no one is around. She'd come and simply sit on the snow covered bench, enjoy the silence. She was lucky enough to get a dorm room entirely for herself, but she was still in a flat with about forty people. It was never quiet. Dan lived just a floor beneath. It meant a lot to have a friend so near, especially the first few weeks when they barely knew anyone. She has friends now, mostly girls with an admirable taste in fashion, literature and theatre like herself. It's only been four months but she finds herself enjoying it much more than she had ever enjoyed high school. She no longer enjoys late night partying and doing things that'd get her in trouble simply because it thrilled her. She's finally reached that level of maturity that Dan has always had, which only brought them closer together.

''Don't break my heart now, I'm still waiting for my invite to the Valentine's day dance.''

''And I'm still waiting for my mother ship to pick me up, yet it doesn't come Spencer.'' She smiles teasingly and waves to the boy. She hadn't even thought about the dance, she probably won't even go. Even if she wanted to, who would she bring? She didn't have a boyfriend.

She used to love those kinds of things, now they just seem like a pain in the ass.

* * *

''Shit-'' he mutters and throws the remote back on the couch with a displeased look on his face ''-we missed it.'' They are in his room, and while everyone else is at the dance, they are having their _not a Valentine's day dinner _because both of them dislike the matter very much.

''Aw-'' she frowns ''-I was really looking forward to it, Rosemary's baby is my second favorite Valentine's day movie.''

''Which one's your first?'' He asks bemused.

''My Fair Lady.'' She says and shoves a spoonful of chocolate ice cream in her mouth.

''That's your answer to everything.'' He rolls his eyes.

''It's my all time favorite movie, like you're the one to talk, mister Rear Window, with so much Hitchcock in your life, no wonder you're so weird.'' She teases.

He is about to start a heated discussion about their different taste for theatre when both of their phones go off. They give each other weird looks before reaching for their devices. She is the first one to get hers. Her face goes pale, her bottom lip slightly trembling. Her reaction throws him off, he can only imagine what it's about.

''Blair-'' he calls carefully as he reads the blast. Apparently, his best friend is dating no other than Serena van der Woodsen.

''Wow, just wow-'' she speaks to herself, she shakes her head quickly and blinks a few times before heading off to his bathroom.

''Blair-'' he calls after her, but only gets a door slammed in front of his face.

''I'm fine-'' her shaky voice responds ''-really. I just….need to clear my head for a bit.''

She comes out five minutes afterwards. Her eyes are a bit red, but not a lot like they usually are when she's crying much, which is a good sign.

''She is supposed to be my best friend and we haven't even talked since graduation.''

''Is it really Serena that bothers you in all of this or is it something else?'' he has the courage to ask.

Her eyes gloss as quickly as she starts to blink. She presses her lips together in a painful manner. He can't bear to see her destroyed like this. He gets up and pulls her in a hug. It doesn't take long before she is weeping against his shoulder.

''I can't do this anymore. Keep pretending that I don't care-'' she moves away and starts pacing the room ''-like I'm not hurt. I can't anymore.''

''Then do something about it, you're Blair Waldorf for god's sake, you take control of your life, not other people, remember? What happened with that?''

''What am I supposed to do?'' she yells with despair.

''Talk to him. Resolve this. You're not five anymore, god damnit, stop acting like it. Both of you.''

''You weren't there, you don't know how horrible it was-'' she tries to explain ''-the things we said to each other….I told him I hated him Dan, I told him I hated him, and the worst part is that at that very moment I meant it.''

''Do you mean it now?'' He is ready for the answer that will break his heart like many other times, but it doesn't matter. None of it matters because he cares about her more than anything. Even if it means she is still in love with his best friend.

''It doesn't matter anymore-'' she is frustrated with him, why is he forcing it this much. Why for once can't he just leave things unresolved.

''Yes it does.'' He insists.

''Why?'' she yells in desperation.

Daniel Humphrey is a settled person. Never once did it happen that he would cause a scene. His nerves are made of steel and keeping his head cool is a talent of it's own. But there are also times, times like this one, when he simply breaks.

''Because I'm in love with you, and I can't do it properly if you love someone else.'' As soon as the words get out he frowns at himself. Blair's eyes are wide as she stares at him. For a minute there, her heart stops beating and sinks in to her heels. She is waiting for one of them to wake up from this dream, but neither of them is. Because it isn't a dream. It is happening. She doesn't know what to say.

''I-'' her voice stammers ''-I don't-'' She doesn't understand. How? Or when? Or why? But he is here and he is not taking back what he said and he loves her. With all of her flaws and obsessions and eccentric behavior, this amazing guy she is honored to call her best friend says he is in love with her. She must be ill then, because not a single fiber in her body responds to that. She feels nothing but the ends of her nerves stinging.

''I have to go.'' She takes her jacket and storms out. He doesn't bother to go after her. Not after he feels like he could kill himself, forever shutting that unraveling mouth of his.

''Nate are you even listening?'' Serena waves a hand in front of his face and flashes a bright smile when he finally looks up.

''What? Sorry-'' he rubs his forehead ''-I'm just really tired from lacrosse practice, you were saying?''

She opens her glossed lips to speak but is cut off by her phone. She takes it out and smirks when reading the message or whatever it is. She turns the screen over to him, showing him a picture of the two of them on that pretentious Gossip Girl site.

''I guess it's official now.'' She says and turns the screen off. ''Where did they even get that photo of us, my hair looks huge-'' she goes on to complain about the bad lighting of the photo or whatever nonsense thing that pops on to her mind, but he shuts her out. Now everyone knows he's in a relationship when he isn't even sure he wants this relationship in the first place. Being with Serena was fun at first, she helped him forget. When he found out she applied for the same college as he did, he only thought well of it. Their relationship was strictly casual and of sexual nature, therefore her being close wasn't a bad thing. Then the worst happened; while he was getting more and more tired of being with her, her affection towards him grew stronger. He should have ended it long before. Instead, out of pure pity and being scared that loneliness would eat him alive, he let things get out of hand. He didn't have the heart to break up with her. Despite what everyone thought of her, she was nice, sweet and a genuine person. She loved with her whole heart, she had that kind of innocence in her that drew him in like a magnet. Still, half a year had passed and his feelings for her didn't change. He loved her very much, a brotherly kind of love, not at all what she deserved.

Then there was Blair. Not a minute had passed since that day of their fight that he hadn't thought of her. She was there all of the time, it seemed like every song about a broken heart was written for her, every girl with brown hair was her and every time he heard the letter 'B' his heart skipped a beat. He took his pain to the nearest bar. It was inhuman for him to leave Serena alone for Valentine's, but he couldn't take the pressure. Nate couldn't bring himself to look in to her eyes while she told him she loved him, when he was picturing another girl. He could only be mean when he wanted to, but never cruel.

His third drink down, he had his phone in his hand. A semi masochistic feeling filled him when, with shaking fingers, he opened a folder titled 'Blair'. He swiped a few times, a small smile twitching at the ends of his lips when he saw her beautiful face. A photo of Blair covered in smudged ice cream appeared. She managed to eat a whole bowl without using her hands, she'd never been more proud of anything she'd done. His heart soared at the sight and the flashbacks. He quickly exited the gallery.

Without having an idea of what he's doing, he dialed her number.

* * *

_**Part 2**_

* * *

Blair entered her room and closed it just as quick with a forceful slam. She threw her stuff on the bed and paced around the room nervously. Her head was spinning along with her emotions. She should have seen it coming, it's not like she didn't know. There were times where she thought she felt it too, those feelings were a mutual thing. It was a constant battle of romance and friendship, and so far friendship always came first, at least for her it did. This could ruin everything. What if he never sees her as a friend and decides to ignore her existence now that she's walked out on him. Still, there's a small chance, a tingly feeling that makes her believe she'll walk back in, just as fast as she walked out. Dan is good for her, always has been. Maybe he even loves her.

Maybe she even loves him.

Her phone vibrates against the wooden desk. It's probably Dan, he always calls, he can't leave things unsettled. It was quite surprising that he stayed in place when she stormed out instead of going after her. She stares at the phone for a while, unsure if she should answer.

Her heart gives out when the call is not from the self-effacing poet. Her breathing quickens, a mixture of leftover anger and hurt coursing her body. Not a part of her miniature body wants to answer, in her true dramatic self she would much rather throw the phone in to the closest wall. Her mind finds a way to surprise her every day…. mostly with cold showers like this one. Her hand is reaches for the device and she dares to slide and answer.

She stays quiet for a while. She is afraid that her voice might sound vulnerable and show how she's really feeling inside; it's a pleasure he won't get from her.

''Blair?'' he speaks after a while. His voice is deep and sharp, it burns her insides, making it that more unbelievable that she made herself talk to him.

''Hi.'' No emotion spills from her simple greeting, she can keep herself in check and she intends to keep it that way.

''Hey-'' his voice softens. Her heart skips a beat at the sudden change, but she remains careful. She was burned one too many times to be lead back in so easily. He is quiet for a while, she's starting to think he's doing this on purpose, just to mess with her some more. Then all of a sudden he speaks.

''Do you hate me?'' His voice doesn't waver once as he asks her this straightforward question. She frowns, her eyes widening. In her head she predicted different scenarios, most of them quite cruel in their nature, but this…this is something even she couldn't understand. He patiently waits for her answer, it takes so long because she is trying to convince herself she does hate him. She tries and tries, her mind goes through all of the bad things he ever did or say to her, but all of those don't add up to a digit big enough to fill her heart with hatred. Instead she remembers him walking her home from school every day because two streets down seemed too long for her to walk by herself, she remembers their summers on his father's yacht and all of the laughs she shared with him. She remembers her first kiss on a rainy day where they spent the whole afternoon running around and splashing each other. She remembers the way he took care of her the following week when she was on the verge of getting pneumonia. She remembers the day she fell in love with him and still waits for the day she'll fall out of it. Her emotions resurface like they never even left. She tries to bat those betraying tears away with her lashes and realizes she's been quiet for a while.

''No-'' she says quietly ''-I don't hate you.''

Nate isn't the type of person to be overly emotional, there are times where he feels nothing at all, just plain numbness. This time the sound of her voice hurts his heart. She sounds unhappy, heartbroken even. The fact that they both screwed up and got themselves in to this never ending state of misery almost makes him laugh in irony. It feels like the older he gets, the more he is capable of screwing things up. This isn't how he imagined going in to adulthood. Then again, he's been disappointed so much over the course of the past few years, he doesn't know why it still comes as a surprise.

He has a lot to say, but those are things he isn't allowed to say out loud. It took him a while to admit to himself that he has feelings for her, he isn't ready to let her know yet. He may never be ready, that is why he needs to do what he does best. Let go.

Blair, more than anyone he knows, deserves to be happy. He has no right to take it away from her. So he doesn't.

''I don't hate you either, I just-'' _miss you. _''-I have to go now.''

_Coward._

He can hear a soft whimper of what could be disappointment….or it could be relief that it's finally over. Either way he can't end their conversation with an anger filled note. The last time that happened was disastrous on both parts, he sees this as his last chance for redemption.

''But I'll talk to you soon, okay? Spring break is around, maybe I'll visit you and Dan.'' Nate's voice is bitter as her says his name. He fights so much against it, hates himself for silently hating him, but what else is there for him to do? Pretend like he is okay with the way it all turned out? Turns out he has no other choice. Not after he's the one who cooked it all up.

She is quiet as she ponders his offer. Seeing Nate face to face makes her stomach twitch in tight knots. Bringing Dan in to the equation makes the situation even more mortifying and despite all of it her answer is ''That'd be great.''

What in her right mind is she thinking? The only possible scenario that could play out and later be addressed as _great _is the one where they all meet up and someone sets them on fire. Well, maybe not her; she is the damsel in distress, the femme fatale, the heroine of the story.

* * *

Dan is deep in his thoughts when they accidentally meet at the school library. He quickly passes by hoping she won't notice and heads straight for the exit. He isn't as transparent as he likes to think he is. His entire life he's been nothing but irrelevant and inexistent to most of the people, oddly enough he wishes he could have that back.

''You're trying to get away from me.'' Her voice startles him just as he pushes trough the door. He stands there with his back facing her. He didn't get a minute of sleep last night, it wasn't an option after what he pulled off. He can feel her cold stare behind him and reluctantly turns around. He offers her a fake smile which comes off as more of a grimace, setting the already awkward situation straight.

Her features soften when he finally looks back at her. He can tell he isn't the only one nervous by the way her knuckles turned white from her grip on the text books in her right hand.

''I'm-I'm not.'' He lies trough his teeth. ''I'm just really in a hurry, I have a class in about five.'' It's a pathetic lie she sees right trough.

''No you don't-'' she accuses ''-you don't have classes after 10 on Monday.'' Her words are rushed and barely understandable. She pushes a strand of her hair away from her face with her free hand to distract herself.

''You know my schedule?''

''Is this really what we're talking about-'' she snaps, gripping her books tighter to her chest ''-your schedule?''

He is getting just as annoyed as she is. He got himself in to this god-awful mess because of his undying need to say everything that's on his mind, he does that all the time. He rarely gets out of it, not by himself anyways.

''What are we supposed to talk about? The way things are going to get weird from now on? The fact that you'll ignore my existence and we'll go back to the way we were before? I already know all of this, you know all of it, is it really necessary to say it out loud?'' He doesn't stall around, they passed that point a long time ago.

Her eyes tear up at the corners. She presses her lips together to control the unbearable anger that's building inside of her. She shakes her head ever so slightly before speaking again.

''Maybe if we talked about it before, things wouldn't be the way they are now? Maybe if you weren't such a conceited human being and came clean about what you felt earlier I wouldn't have reacted the way I did and maybe-'' her voice goes an octave higher with every well pronounced word ''-if you weren't so damn reserved to yourself and showed interest in how I feel, you'd know I feel something about you too.''

Both of them gasp as her final words echo between them. His eyes search hers for explanation. He steps closer, his hands slide to her arms in order to bring her close too.

''Is that true?'' he asks, his voice sounding deeper than it ever did to her '' You feel something about me.''

Her eyes flick from him to their hands as he patiently waits for her response. So much comes to her mind in those few seconds, her entire life plays in front of her and she wonders if that's what it's like when you're dying and everything rewinds before you. Such dark thoughts to have on what should be a joyful occasion. She takes a millisecond to paint a list of pros and cons in her head which seems harder than ever. A painful feeling pools in her gut when her mind wraps around the highlighted name on the con list. Nate's name will always linger in the back of her mind and she decides it is the only place it should ever be. She loves him and that's alright, she had for the past 19 years and she survived. She can love him in the back of her mind too. For all she believes in, love alone makes nothing. It will never be enough, as soon as people realize that, the better. Because Nate is in Hanover, Nate only ever cares when he's vulnerable, Nate has someone to love and someone to love him back right where he is. Maybe it's time she lets herself have that too.

''Yes-'' her voice isn't strained any more ''- I have for quite some time and-'' she doesn't get to finish her sentence because Dan is kissing her, the gentlest kiss she has ever had and just like that she believes falling in love with him will be the easiest thing in the world.

* * *

It is strange at first, when both of them have to adapt. They fight about the tiniest detail as which movie to watch or who affected renaissance the most, she is so often annoyed by his little quirks that she starts to love them after a while. They do their little cat and mouse game for three months. Three months of exploring each other's minds which results with brilliant findings. All is well until one day the friction they've been creating for some time now tightens and sex is accidentally brought up.

Blair swirls her fork around the salad she barely touched. It is springtime finally; everything is as alive and as loud as it can be. Like all of the other little things that cheer people up, she strongly dislikes this one. She hates this weather, she prefers rain. It's been a rather sunny start of the year with constant heat waves and even though she is only a few hours away from home and the temperatures are likely similar, she still finds herself missing the crisp wintery air of New York. She looks over at Dan wondering if he ever feels like that too. Oddly enough she doesn't know which kind of weather he prefers, that or she simply can't remember. Not knowing is not her thing so she makes a mental note to ask him later. Things have been as good as they can be. She can't say the same thing for him, mostly because you can never read what's on his mind, but that's nothing new. He affects her in different ways…most importantly, not matter how distant he is, he never leaves her hanging. By all means they are a couple, even though they never put a label on it. She agreed to that, but now it's starting to annoy her. She likes labels, she is raised that way. She wants to talk to him about all of it, having made a vow to herself that this time around she won't keep things solely to herself.

He seems engrossed in the group conversation she spaced out of a long time ago. They are having their lunch break with another couple that they've bonded with, Mark and Vanessa. Dan gets along with both of them as he's known Vanessa since his childhood, he never spoke about her before which only makes Blair that more suspicious of her. Still, she likes to hang around them, while she can't share her extraordinary taste in fashion with the girl, Mark is built up with her kind of intelligence and dark humor, something she'll always appreciate. Besides she has to befriend someone else than Dan, who doesn't really count because he is her boyfriend.

A hand waves in front of her face, a gesture she finds extremely tacky, she isn't surprised that it's Vanessa trying to get her attention.

''I'm listening-'' she shakes her head slightly and nods in confirmation. Dan gives her a weird look, followed by a smile at her confused expression.

''In conclusion, it doesn't count!'' Vanessa exclaims with a smug look on her face. Mark rolls his eyes characteristically and pokes the girl's upper arm.

''Stop trying to get yourself out of this. It's fine, I mean, just admit it happened.''

''Admit what happened?'' Blair finally makes an effort to be a part of the conversation. The group looks at her and laughs. Dan rubs her arm while shaking his head.

''Tell me once more how concentrated you are all of the time?'' he teases. She punches his chest playfully and earns a groan.

''Shut up.''

Vanessa smiles at the couple that never seems to stop bickering, it's sort of adorable and slightly concerning at the same time.

''I almost had sex with this guy I met before Mark, _almost_-''

''It wasn't almost-'' Mark cuts in immediately with an accusing tone ''you went all the way on him, lady-''

Vanessa ignores her overanalyzing boyfriend and continues with her story while both Dan and Blair watch with amusement ''-and now he claims it counts as losing my virginity to him, it's nonsense and it didn't happen.''

Blair exhales, sending a small laugh after it ''Is this really what we're discussing right now?'' She looks at Dan. He smirks back and nods ''Apparently.''

''Even worse, it happened after they've only dated for about a week. A week!'' Mark's semi anger makes the pair laugh. Blair is mostly amused by the fact that even an intellectual like Mark can get easily frustrated by such stupid little things.

''You made me wait two months.'' He points out and crosses his arms over his chest. Vanessa frowns and puts down the pen she's been scribbling notes with.

''It is the common time to wait before you have sex in a relationship-'' she argues. Her eyes fall on Dan and Blair and she looks between them ''-The two of you have been together for like..three or four months. You guys waited for two right, everyone waits at least for two months.''

Sudden silence falls over them as Vanessa and Mark wait for a response. Dan moves his hand from where it rested around Blair and ruffles trough his hair while Blair's cheeks turn crimson.

Vanessa suddenly frowns and covers it up with a hand to her mouth. ''Oh my god, I am so sorry-'' she apologizes quickly and feels embarrassed herself ''-I never think before I speak, I didn't mean to.''

Mark shakes his head at his girlfriend and gives her a wide-eyed look. ''We should go now.'' He says simply and pulls Vanessa of her chair by her upper arms.

''I am so sorry-'' she rambles, both Dan and Blair shrug it off. Blair tries her best to smile a toothy grin but it comes off as a painful grimace instead.

''It's really fine.'' Dan says nervously while Marks practically drags Vanessa from their table.

He sits with Blair there for a couple of agonizing minutes until, finally, she gets up from her chair.

''I should head too, I don't want to be late for my internship meeting.''

He nods _(and decides to ignore the fact that she is lying because he knows that meeting is tomorrow) _thankful she put them out of this misery even for a little while.

* * *

Her ''meeting'' turns out to last much longer that he thought it would, she clearly has a lot to think trough. Dan tries to occupy himself with various things, from book to television and none of it works. He shuts the TV down and leans forward, burying his head in his hands. She must be torturing herself with all the obligations she now sees in her mind. The truth is exactly the contrary; Dan doesn't expect anything from her. He wants them to have sex eventually, _he is only a guy made out of blood and meat and she is insanely beautiful_. But that doesn't mean she has to feel obligated to do anything. He decides he needs to tell her that right now and her imaginary meeting would have to wait. His hand digs in to the pocket of his jeans just as his dorm room door opens. She sends him a shy smile before entering and closing the door behind her. She removes her trench coat and instead of sitting by his side like usual, she starts pacing around the room.

''How was your meeting'' he asks absurdly.

''Fine.'' She quickly answers as if wanting to shut him up so she can get to more important things.

''So-'' she starts fidgeting with her hands ''-that was strange today.''

At first he feels relief that she didn't just ignore it like he thought she would and pretend it was never even brought up. When he gets that off of his chest, he can feel tension building up in his shoulders.

''Umm,yeah.'' He looks directly at the floor. It bothers her, yet she is grateful; if they make eye contact now, she will perish and turn to a dusty pile of discomfort.

''Should we talk about it?'' She asks unsurely. She takes a step closer and seats herself on the couch, but not to close just to be sure.

''Yeah-'' he nods lightly, eventually his head leaves his hands and he looks at her. She is burning holes in the floor just like he did moments ago so he urges her to look at him with his index finger, gently he lifts her head up in his direction.

''Hey, I just want you to know-'' he searches for the right words. Damn it, he had it all thought out in his head. There's no point in making up speeches now so he wings it and speaks the truth of how he feels ''-I don't want you to feel like you have to do anything, okay? I don't expect anything like that, that's not why we're together. You don't have to worry about me pressuring you, not until you're ready. Then you can come to me.''

She sighs quietly at his words. His eyes bore in to hers with much intended sincerity. In this moment she is sure she loves him back, especially the way he makes her feel warm both on the outside and the inside. The bare thought of her feeling this ironically head over heels in love with him makes her feel stupid, only this time her affection is enough to overcome her silliness and everything else going on inside her complicated mind. If it only were this simple. He is sincere and true to her, yet he has no idea what's really going on and it's her fault completely. She is the one who got in to this relationship with the kind of baggage that quantitatively doesn't seem like much, but qualitatively is enough to ruin everything. He is convinced she avoids taking this step with him because it would be a first for her. Guilt crawls inside of her as she thinks of a quick exit.

Coming clean isn't the way to go, it's not optional. If Dan knew that her first time was with Nate and both of them lied about it all this time, he would cross them off forever. Just then the forces of universe that seem to work in a way which sends Nate her way (even if she so much as thinks about him for a second) act out again.

Her phone starts playing the tune she knows well, it only plays when he calls and she hopes Dan doesn't remember that detail. Her eyes switch from the screen to Dan's searching eyes and she feels panic cruising through her. She tells herself to decline the call, but her hands can't move to do so. Her mind is playing against her heart again, something she wants to believe is no longer a thing. Apparently it is, in a matter of seconds she finds herself grabbing her purse and her coat. She rushes towards the door and turns around before leaving. She faces a disappointed look of someone who just tried to talk to her…and she acted undoubtedly ignorant on it. Not wanting to build up her guilt anymore, she walks back inside and presses a quick peck on his lips. She gives him a reassuring smile and tries her best to look put together.

''Thank you-'' she says and brings her hand up to his cheek ''-I'm sorry for acting like this-'' her phone still rings in her hand, urging her to hurry up ''-It's Serena-'' she lies in panic ''-this is the third time she's calling, I should really get this. We'll talk tomorrow okay? Call me later.'' She pecks him one more time and storms off.

* * *

Once more, I apologize if this change up confused any of you.

I know this chapter had barely any Nate, but he will have his POV chapters too.

I would love to hear your opinion on this, I have a lot in mind, but if you have any more ideas I'll gladly accept them. Please let me know what you think. Till next update XoL


	2. The ghost of what we used to be

Hello everyone! I am beyond relieved to hear that people support my decision to make this in to a story for itself, for those who were excited for the prompt story, do not worry, I am not abandoning it, I just have more inspiration to write this at the moment.

Some of you are asking if this is a Nair story because it's leaning towards it….guys it is only the first chapter. I decided that I wanted to try and write a different romance (a love triangle this time) so this doesn't mean that it is strictly Nate and Blair, to be honest I'm not even sure myself of who'll end up together in the end. So no, this isn't strictly a Nair story and I would love to hear what Dair shippers think of it too because I plan to explore their relationship too. Just keep in mind that this is a new ship for me and I haven't really written a lot of Dan 'till now so I'm kind of nervous for it. I will do my best and hopefully no one will be disappointed. I look forward to your replies:) Enjoy!

* * *

They're in the middle of what seems like their first serious discussion about their relationship when her damn phone rings. She is carefree when explaining that it's her blonde best friend calling and rushes to get out. He can tell she's lying. Her voice wavers uncomfortably in her throat as she speaks. For someone who thinks she's a master of scheming, she should really work on her posture when delivering a lie. It bothers him yet he does nothing about it. This is Blair, opposing her in such manner, accusing her of something she claims differently can only end in a series of bad ways. He contemplates going after her, but she is so quick to get out he figures she'll be as quick to disappear. There is no point in forcing her to stay and explain herself, just like there is no point in stalking her.

He sinks deeper in to the couch with his head buried in his hands. Relationships never had it easy on him and this one is nothing if not worst. Anger replaces frustration when he thinks further about the person making Blair act the way she does. There's only one name that comes to his mind and it's a rather unsettling thought that even miles away Nate can be toying with her heart this way. There is no way to know for sure and Dan could be freaking out for no reason like it happened many times before. She only left a few minutes ago so who ever called her must be talking to her still. Without thinking he reaches for his phone and hits speed dial. He should have removed Nate's number for there a long time ago, ever since college started they barely even communicate. A weekly chatter now and then, that's it. He wonders just how often Blair talks to him. These jealous thoughts fill his mind till the point where he isn't able to think straight anymore. He can't establish the connection for a while and when he finally does it beeps quickly ensuring him that his line is occupied. So it is true then. Blair fled out so she could talk to Nate. It pisses Dan off even more than before, when it was all just a doubt. He smashes his phone angrily on the couch and starts pacing around the room. If only she told him Nate was calling. He wouldn't even be mad. It's the lying and the scheming that's getting to him. Dan was the only person she could be completely and brutally honest with no matter what. It is their thing. It is a part of the reason he loved her. To figure out it was a lie all along doesn't sit well with him. He grabs his keys and leaves the dorm room.

* * *

''Nate?'' she answers with rushed breathing. She is trying to get to her dorm as quickly as possible, she nervously turns around every now and then just to make sure no one is around. It is paranoid even for her and it's too much, she realizes this and like the biggest idiot keeps acting this way. When she is finally in the room she's grown to call home for the past few months, she relaxes a bit. Her heart still pounds like crazy, she isn't sure whether it's the adrenaline or the fact that he is calling.

''Hey-are you okay? You sound-''

''I'm fine.'' She cuts him off to lay off any unnecessary small talk.

''Good-'' he says and stops himself to think about what he wants to say next. ''-So, remember our last talk?'' because he sure as hell remembers, he thinks of it every night when trying to fall asleep. The sound of her voice, the way she seemed so vulnerable and he wished he could be there like old times and simply have her close. He also remembers their fight. The way her eyes pierced trough him when she swore she hated him. He tortures himself with this every night, he thinks of it as a self punishment for being too weak to admit what he really felt.

''Sure-'' she is uncertain, this could lead the conversation so many different- wrong – ways. ''-what about it?''

He decides to stop fidgeting. It took him more than an hour just to gather the courage to call her in the first place. Wasting his time is one thing, but wasting hers is not something he wants to do any more.

''I'm not going back to New York over the spring break, so I thought we could meet up. The three of us, I mean.'' He says carefully. Blair bites down hard, she remembers their talk well but hoped he is still the same old forgetting self and he would forget their deal to meet up too. A part of her fills with excitement because, oh how she misses him. When you're best friends with someone for such a long time and then you just stop seeing them the feelings don't go away. They linger and are a constant reminder of the pain left inside.

''Did you call Dan?''

He is surprised it's the first thing she asks. He expected her to fidget around and make up a reason for the three of them not to meet up thus making it easy for all of them. But no, she isn't fidgeting and she seems on board. A part of him is happy she wants to even participate in an activity involving him, on the other hand he isn't sure how he feels about the rest of it.

''Umm no, I intended to afterwards. Just wanted to clear things out with you first.'' He says honestly.

''Why is that?''

''I-'' he tries to find a reasonable explanation but none comes to his mind. It is so because there is nothing reasonable when it comes to him and his actions towards her. ''-I don't know. It seemed right.''

Silence falls over them as the realization that soon they'll have to face each other sinks in. Blair figures this is the last place to think about such things, especially when she is vulnerable and he is there to hear it. Desperate to break the defeating silence she dives in to details.

''So, when are you coming?''

Her out of the blue question, _which he could have expected_, draws them back in to their conversation. Why is it that every time they talk things get so unnecessarily dramatic? He feels like he's stuck in one of those Audrey Hepburn movies she loves so much. He quietly laughs to himself at the memory of her mouthing line after line, her eyes teary and completely focused on the screen. As much as high school brought out the wildling out of her, she retreated to being a lady, which she would always be. Blair is unlike any girl anyone will ever have the pleasure of meeting, soft and silky to the touch, fire on the inside. If only he'd realized that on time, he wouldn't be dreaming of her every night, but dreaming beside her. He shakes the thought away ordering himself to properly engage in their conversation.

''I can leave on Tuesday .''

''Tuesday, next week?'' she grabs her planner, precisely writing everything down. Planning everything out is the first and only thing she can control in this situation. Getting herself occupied will hopefully keep her from going insane.

* * *

Her dorm room opens slowly making her that more nervous at the sight of him. Being the one who made things difficult between them she is the first one to call. This time, however, she didn't prepare a speech or even thought about what she's going to say when he finally shows up or how she's going to say it. She seems to mess up a lot when she thinks everything trough, it's time to try something different and simply _wing it? _If all else fails…

''Hey-'' she plays with the ends of her skirt unconsciously. As soon as she notices she takes her hands away from it. She isn't the one to have nervous break-downs and ticks. ''-you're quick.''

His brow rises in a strange mixture of confusion and amusement. Despite him finding her acting this way sort of endearing he can't get over his anger. He slumps on the edge of her bed, burying his head in his hands to avoid eye contact.

''You said it was important, so-'' he drifts of mid sentence. He can feel the mattress shift and sink when she sits next to him. Her arm accidentally brushes against his and he immediately shifts away. This makes her sigh loudly, she is getting more and more frustrated with him as minutes pass by. One of the things she envied most about him is his ability to stay clear headed and for others to know exactly where his thoughts are. Nowadays she can no longer tell anything.

''Is there anything you want to say?'' she asks straightforwardly. If she wants get the old Blair back she needs to start with little things, forwardness for instance.

He looks annoyed when he shakes his head at her. ''You're the one who said she wanted to talk.''

Blair uses every ounce of self control not to roll her eyes at his child-like behavior, she fails and he catches the little gesture.

''What now?'' he finally breaks, his voice goes an octave higher. She doesn't say a thing but her half frightened eyes staring back at him in disbelief are enough.

''I'm sorry-'' his voice is barely above a whisper as he tries to apologize, he is cut off in the middle of his sentence by her blow.

''Nate is coming to visit next week.'' Her eyes are dead cold as she stares at the blank wall in front of her and delivers her words as if she was reading a death sentence.

Her words sink in and echo through his mind, a sick feeling forms in his lower abdomen almost instantly.

''Just in case you didn't know.'' She adds and trails mid sentence.

''No-'' he says coldly ''-I didn't know.'' His voice gets louder again against his own will. This time she doesn't seem to react to it, only further encouraging him to act on it. He tries to calm himself. At least this time she told him, that's a good thing, right? But if she is being so honest, why did she have to get away just to talk to him? What was so important that he couldn't hear. He is acting childish, jealous, borderline idiotic, yet he can't stop himself. Behind that big intellectual brain of his, he is just a guy. A guy with raging feelings and enough fire inside of him that he could breathe fire.

''I thought you heard from him-'' she starts saying but is cut off by his impatience. Nate said he intended to call Dan afterwards, what if he already did and she is sweating over it for no reason.

''No, not in a while-'' he should have left it there, but the ugly side of his jealousy broke trough ''- but for someone who seems to hear from him a lot more, I'm surprised he didn't tell you that.'' He fires back. Blair responds with an angry frown of her own.

''I knew it-'' she lifts of bed, treating him with one of her accusing looks this time.

''You knew what?'' He finally lifts his head from his hands and looks back in to those furious eyes of hers.

''This is why I couldn't tell you, I knew you'd react this way…the sad part is-'' she runs her hands over her face quickly ''-I had hope that you were different. You know... I kept telling myself not to doubt you because you're not like everyone else.''

''You're the one going behind my back, lying to me for who knows how long and now you're somehow blaming me for it? No, screw that. I don't know why I'm surprised Blair, I really don't.'' He yells. Her breathing gets caught up in her throat, it was only a matter of time for him to explode. Thing have been too good for it to last, she should have known better, both of them should.

''Don't you ever talk to me like that again-'' she yells this time. What is it about her that she always makes sure to keep every aspect of her life perfect, yet people use her like a rag every day and she is okay with it? ''- I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Nate, it was wrong on some level. But so what if I kept it to myself? You never seemed to mind me talking to him before, did you? It is not my fault that you're jealous-'' she shakes her head furiously ''- it only proves that you're made out of the same pretentious flesh like everyone else is. For someone who spent half of his life bashing privileged people, judging them by their vain behavior you're quite easy to be drawn to it. If this-'' she absentmindedly points in his direction ''- is the person you intend to be from now on, we have nothing else to discuss-'' her eyes are teary but she doesn't let herself to be seen as weak and holds everything back. She crosses her arms over her chest. ''-when you decide to be yourself again, I'll be right here. Waiting.'' She emphasizes her last words with heaviness in her voice.

He stares at her quietly, paralyzed by her words for anything else to say.

''Please leave.'' She whispers with weak voice and he obeys without a question. Her entire body hurts when he closes the door without even glancing at her. As soon as the door shuts her face brims with hot tears.

* * *

This is shorter than I intended on making it, but I had to stop here if I wanted to post it sooner and you guys have already waited for some time.

Please, please let me know what you think so far. What couple are you rooting for, is there a particular scene you want me to write? All suggestions are welcomed. I'm not sure when the next updated is going to be, it all depends on my free time, inspiration and a little push from you guys! I'll do my best to make it ASAP. Till next update, xoL


	3. Mending things together at last

Hello! First of all a big thank you for all of your reviews and responds last week, it means so much to hear your opinion on this story plus it made me want to update as soon as possible (I know how agonizing waiting for a new chapter can get). People are predicting that this is straight up Nair, but like I stated last week, this is both a Dair and Nair story, you just have to be patient. This is an angsty story so things aren't always going to go smooth with the characters, we're just getting started and you should be warned, a lot of stuff is going to happen :D So give it time, hopefully, as the story unravels you will still enjoy it.

I don't own the characters, just the ideas.

* * *

''Already finished?'' Serena's golden head peeks beside his front door. He gives her a slight smile and a nod. Yesterday he told her he'd be going to New Haven instead of New York with her as planned. She didn't overreact or throw a hiss fit over it like a part of him expected her to do, she just kept quiet and went home a few minutes afterwards, no goodbye, no kiss, nothing. All together it was much worse than her usual dramatic reactions. At least then he knows the calm side of her will win over and she'll replace her anger with understanding.

However she is smiling at him and his heart seems much more at ease. She sits on the edge of his bed and peeks in to his suitcase. Her brows furrow at a particular item.

''Why are you taking a winter sweater with you, it's like 80 degrees outside.'' She holds up the moss green sweater with amusement. He quickly grabs it from her hand and drops it back in to the suitcase, smiling lightly. The sweater was a gift from Blair a few years ago. As childish as it may seem, it represents sort of a luck charm for Nate. He only wore it once or twice, but it was in his carry on for all of his lacrosse games, tossed in to his suitcase whenever he traveled, rested neatly folded in the back of his closet for years.

''It's nothing really-'' he waves it off. She looks at him with confusion. ''You never know when you might need something. Better safe than sorry, huh?'' He tries his best to conceal his distress with the matter and hopes she'll cooperate.

Serena doesn't look convinced, but thankfully she seems to let it go. She shakes her head lightly and chuckles. ''I guess.'' Her smile drops after a while and turns in to a frown. ''Wait, why are you packing so much stuff, I thought you're going to be just a few days.''

He sighs without looking at her and keeps on collecting his stuff around the room.

''I am, like a week or so.''

Her eyes drop to the floor again, the same reaction from last night. Nate contemplates whether to talk to her or just let it like this, avoiding the possible fight or at least delaying it until he comes back.

''We talked about this.'' He says quietly. She finally raises her eyes from the floor and looks at him, her stare is somewhat blank, her mind is set in not showing any emotion at all.

''No, you talked about it-'' she responds seriously, he isn't used to seeing her in a mood different from happy. It makes him think about the whole nature of their relationship, even if there is a relationship. Truthfully, the only reason they got together in the first place was to beat the rumors that they were just a hookup like everyone expects them to be. Serena was tired of everyone judging her by her past and only seeing her as a blonde party girl. Nate had it enough with always being called a screw up. The moment he started seeing himself as one occurred on the morning after the second time they hooked up.

Nate, still heartbroken from Blair, drowned his sorrow in bottles of expensive scotch and women whose names he wouldn't even remember the next morning. This time, he woke up to the sight of a familiar blonde figure. Her eyes were the first thing he sought out in desperate need of any kind of comfort. She was a reflection of himself, broken beyond repair. That's when he decided things had to change. It was too late to repair his life on the UES, if his mind was limited by the outlines of Manhattan (like Blair's often was) he would have never gotten away from it. It took awhile to realize he had the right for a new start just like anyone else. Serena seemed like the perfect way to start. It all worked out pretty well in the first few weeks when it was all fun and games. The honeymoon phase is over now and neither of them knows what to do. He knows in his heart this relationship was doomed from the beginning, but if he is the one to leave first, it will just prove that everyone else was right about him. It won't be the first time to put his pride first and it certainly doesn't look like the last time.

''I'm sorry-'' he stops moving around and sets his eyes on hers ''-I know you're trying your best to be calm about this even though you're pissed. I promised to go with you and I bailed in the last second, if you don't want to talk about it, fine. But if that's the case you just need to get over it, we can't keep going like this.''

''Like what?'' she fires back.

''Putting things behind us like everything's okay-'' he air quotes ''-and implode on it a few months afterwards.''

''You really have some nerve being the one to say this-'' she gets up from his bed so she could face him ''- the only one who's walking around with baggage is you.''

''What's that supposed to mean?'' he asks angrily.

''You know exactly what it means.'' She looks him straight in the eyes, he forces himself to look away before she gets a chance to analyze him. Serena is naïve, she always has been, but she's also the first one to know the truth, this is something he can never deny her. Ashamed and aware of her words, but reluctant to come clean he shifts away from her, looking for a quick chore to occupy himself with.

She sighs loudly, tired of forever having to be the one to state the obvious. ''Actually Nate-'' she walks pass him without a single glance ''-being apart is exactly what we need. Maybe even for good.''

This stops his movements. He slowly turns around to see her leaving. He tries to tone down his frown doing so. ''Are you saying-'' he doesn't get the time to answer, she is more than quick to make it clear.

''-this never even existed Nate, maybe only in my mind-'' she smirks bitterly to herself ''-I just hope Blair has thicker nerves than I do.''

* * *

''You're not even listening.'' A disappointed voice chimes in to finally catch Dan's attention. He gives the girl an apologetic look hoping to would make up for him acting at the top of his douchery for the past half an hour. Sam, the cute red head was a year younger than him, she was in to poetry (especially what Dan wrote, which makes her his first and only fan) and had a not so concealed crush on him since the start of the semester. Using her to silently get back at Blair in his own vain ridiculous way is in all words that, ridiculous. It is wrong to put her through all of this which can only result in a heartbreak for her and bad reputation for him. Still, today when she finally gathered the courage and bravely marched to his table during period, embarrassed but oh so charming and asked him out for coffee, he couldn't have said no. If Blair knew she would rip her apart, sending him afterwards. At least that was the high school Blair, she had grown out of some old habits (unfortunately not out of one in particular). Then again, if she did grow out of it, that makes him the childish one; sneaking around with a younger girl, all in spite of Blair.

''I truly am sorry, it's just-'' he stares in to his cup of dark liquid ''-I have a lot on my mind.''

Sam smiles, two adorable dimples forming on her cheeks and simply shrugs. ''You can tell me about it.''

He laughs despite himself. A beautiful girl he basically just met is offering consolation over problems he has with his oh so gorgeous brunette girlfriend. He has a strong urge to pinch himself, never in a thousand years did he think this would become of his life. Daniel Humphrey, a silent poet who often thinks in rhyme and speaks in sarcasm has the attention of the opposite gender. Not only that, he has the attention of the only one he has ever really wanted. Exactly, the only one he has ever wanted and he is screwing it all up with his intractable jealousy.

''Are you okay? You look worried.'' Sam asks with a nervous smile.

''I'm okay. Great!-'' in all the rush cruising his body he pushes off the chair, slightly startling the girl ''-I'm great. I'm just at the wrong place in what I think is the right time.''

''Oh?'' her smile fades away momentarily, she gives him a puzzled look, which only masked her saddened expression a little bit_. Don't_ _be an asshole Dan, for once, at least try not to. _

''I am so sorry-'' he apologizes for what seems like the hundredth time. ''- you're very sweet-'' he speaks, but her disappointed face says all but pleased, more like pissed. ''-and very very beautiful.'' The last one draws a smile from her. This is something new, charming people was always Nate's thing. Oh God, the man could have people move mountains for him if he smiled bright enough. All of this makes him think back to the time when things weren't fucked up and he still had his best friend around. Both of his best friends. It seems to Dan that he is only able to think in negative and for once he isn't content with it.

Sam exhales and shakes her head lightly. ''You and that brunette, Blair, are you guys together?'' She asks straightforwardly. He is surprised the question didn't occur earlier.

Dan nods hesitantly. ''God I hope so.''

* * *

''You shouldn't worry too much about it, you're doing great, he has no reason to make your life a living hell, at least for now.'' Vanessa jokes about their not so kind professor.

''Honestly, I couldn't care less if he does. I've been through worse than hell, you do realize I went to Constance, right?'' Blair says confidently. ''Besides, English literature isn't at the top of my '_To deal with'_ list.'' She says sounding more tired than saddened which she truly was. It was foolish of her to expect she would pry herself from drama the minute she walked out of Constance. For all she's sure those problems stayed the same, just on a higher level. Consumed by her thoughts she doesn't even notice Dan approaching them. It is only when Vanessa silently says she'll give them some privacy that Blair starts reacting.

''Give some privacy-oh-'' her voice drifts when she spots Dan. Vanessa is quick to get away, still feeling guilty for crossing boundaries with her blabber earlier this week.

''I'm not in the mood to fight, so do us both a favor and keep it to yourself.'' She comments as she stares at the floor trying to remain calm and put together.

''I trust you.'' He snaps all of a sudden. Blair raises a brow in utter confusion, honestly in all the years she has known him she has never seen so much emotion, even moodiness in him. Recently every day is a rollercoaster, he changes his mind every five minutes ( almost as much as her). She is supposed to hate it yet somehow she's actually drawn to it.

''What are you talking about?'' her brows furrow. Before giving her an answer he ducks his head to place a light kiss on her lips. Blair is surprised to say at least but gives in to it easily. She missed having him around, even if only for a few days.

''I'm talking about everything that has happened in the last few days. I overreacted, I'm sorry.'' He says honestly. She understands the truth behind his words, but stand still as she thinks about it further. Dan is rarely the first on to apologize, when he does it's usually more complex. It feels as if he created a competition between himself and Nate; it is something Blair doesn't want to believe, but she would be stupid not to. Boys will always be boys, even Dan with his 160 pounds of integrity and pride. Putting all of this aside, she is far too tired to analyze things any further, so this once she lets it go.

''I know-'' she takes his hand in hers ''-It's not just your fault… although I still don't think it was wrong for me not to mention Nate right away-'' she can't help but point this out ''-but I can see why that would bother you, I just wish you'd trust me.''

''I do-'' he says almost immediately, Blair hates herself for somehow doubting it. ''-I really do.''

''Then let go of this thing with Nate.''

'' Blair there's nothing going on between Nate and I.''

She is hesitant again, she doesn't want it this way, especially with her being the one keeping a lot more from him than he is keeping from her. She remembers her thoughts earlier today about wanting to get away from high school drama, whereas now she feels like she's creating it herself. Maybe that's her problem, the fact that she can't move on. She's addicted to scandal so much she can't live without it. You can take the girl out of the UES, but you can't take the UES out of the girl.

''I would like to believe that-'' she says introducing another silent pause in to their conversation. ''- there's a lot I need to work on, I just need to know that you're here, not only with your appearance and not with you silently judging me.''

''Yeah, I think you're projecting yourself on to me now.'' He teases to lighten up the mood. She cracks a smile after all and everything seems lighter.

''Come here.'' He opens his arms to her and envelopes her in a tight hug she gladly takes.

''What is happening Dan-'' she murmurs against his collar ''-when did everything get so screwed up?''

''The day we decided to get together.'' He jokes, even though there's much truth to it. She playfully nudges his chest.

''Do you have to ruin every profound thought I have?''

''Very profound-'' he grins ''- guess this is just...growing up.''

''It's exhausting.'' On contrary, she feels completely relaxed leaned against him.

''It's just the start of it.''

* * *

Here you go. I know it took a while to update, I'm not very content with this chapter, I just wasn't inspired I guess. I hope you guys still enjoyed it. To all of my Nair shippers, be patient, and to all of my Dair shippers…I apologize if this isn't as good as you'd want it to be, it's my first time writing Dair and I'm doing the best I can. If you have any suggestions about the couples or scenes you'd like to see in this please let me know, it makes things more interesting! Please leave a review letting me know what you think, it means the world to me:) till next update,xoL


	4. And so it begins

Hi guys! Thanks for the feedback, it means a lot so feel free to keep it coming. It's not a long chapter but a lot of stuff happens so that sort of makes up for it.

* * *

He slept peacefully last night, contrary to the exhausting week ahead of him. Small streaks of light hit his closed eyelids directly, he doesn't even bother to open his eyes knowing right ahead it's a bad decision. Dan stretches his arms wide, then wider when his hand drops where it usually brushes past a delicate girl curled up against him. The first thing he sees when he finally forces his eyes open is a little valley in the perfectly white sheets that her body left there. Blair is never the first one to wake up, she rarely sleeps in but can't beat Dan when it comes to this. Every day, 6 am sharp, he fills his system with boiling coffee before even contemplating doing anything else. Today, however, she is ahead of him.

He can hear the faint sound of her voice trying to catch up with a rap song that blasts from her ipod. He can barely contain his laughter at the sight of her jumping around the kitchen in nothing but his worn out Breakfast club shirt and bright pink underpants. He leans against the door frame before bursting her little bubble. Things have been so good for them lately. Finally taking that last step a.k.a. sex might have something to do with it, but Dan chooses not to believe so. The easiness of the morning washes off when his eyes get stuck on a post it in the hall.

'_Natie's in town' _is written in Blair's perfectly curved handwriting. Reading the little reminder over and over again makes him annoyed, just like the fact that Blair still calls Nate by his childhood nickname. He keeps telling himself to stop obsessing with Nate already, otherwise his head might explode. She's been nothing but cool with the entire situation, or at least that's how she seemed. Below the text is a date, today's date to be particular. Three more hours to go and then it's either do or die. He is no longer in the mood to sneak up and mess with Blair - who is still deeply devoted to belting out Iggy Azalea's Fancy - and proceeds to the bathroom.

''You shaved.'' Blair's face lights up and she beams at him. She shoves a cup of coffee in his hands and basically dances trough the hall to get to her room.

''Well you kept complaining that it prickles when I kiss you.'' His voice echoes through her new apartment. The constant noise from her dorm room neighbors, the city being too far for her liking and the possibility of having to get a roommate were all too much for her to even consider. In Blair's words it _isn't ideal but it's just the way it should be_. Well, it isn't ideal for her standards, but anyone else would find it incredible, from the glossed wooden floors to the amazingly big - almost floor to ceiling- windows that lit the entire place up. Half of the apartment is still filled with boxes that need unpacking. Along with Vanessa, he offered to help which she politely declined stating '_'Only if you were Dorota and knew how to arrange things.''_

''It does so, besides, men without beards seem much more sophisticated.'' She replies from the bedroom. Her voice has its usual content tone whilst her step has a certain bounce to it, nothing short of her perfectly settled self.

''Sophisticated-'' he laughs in to his mug ''-lucky you for dating me.'' He jokes grabbing the nearest paper.

''I have class-'' She pops up suddenly, fully dressed with a briefcase in her right hand and a pile of papers tucked underneath her arm. ''-will you stay here or should I take the keys with me?''

'' Um, take them with you, I'll probably go jogging afterwards.'' He murmurs, still indulged in the paper. She is halfway through the door when he remembers. ''Hey, what about Nate?''

She turns around quickly and leans against the door. ''Oh yeah, I'll meet him after my classes, he is set to be here around noon, at least that's what he said-''

''-Oh-'' his voice lowers, he stares at the floor trying to ignore the pinching in the pit of his stomach.

''-It's just-I thought-'' she gets tongue tied ''-it seemed pointless to even try to explain where the apartment is… left alone finding the parking spot, he isn't even a student here, he can't just park anywhere. You know how Nate is, he'd get confused and-''

''Blair.'' He tries to cut her rambling off but she keeps going.

''You could go meet him too, I'll probably be late anyways-''

''Blair-'' he walks over to her, finding no better way to shut her up, he kisses her ''-it's fine-'' he laughs ''-I'll meet you guys here later, okay?''

She hesitantly stares at him for a second, then finally nods. ''Okay-'' she presses a peck back to his lips ''-love you.''

* * *

''Damn it-'' Nate mutters yet again as his phone buzzes for the third time in the last five minutes. His hands refuse to leave the wheel, but his eyes make a quick derail from the road to the phone. Two missed calls and one message. His curiosity plays with his mind, but not enough for him to actually check. He's almost there anyways, what's five more minutes.

He eases on the gas pedal in order to really take in his surroundings. He somehow he feels overwhelmed by the entire place. From perfectly trimmed bushes and Victorian looking buildings to perfectly styled students who look like Blair is their personal stylist. This really is the perfect place for her, he can already imagine her delicate little form feeding ducks by the nearest pond, wearing that innocent look of hers – a mask she uses, when really, she is plotting world domination.

He doesn't even bother to find a parking spot as she ordered last night when they spoke, and later explained in details why he shouldn't even try, most of it being _you'll get confused_. Ironically, she _is the one_ making him confused, only it has nothing to do with the fucking parking lot.

He feels very calm up until the moment he spots a familiar looking dark haired boy. It isn't him, but his heart still drops to his feet, following a tight knot in his stomach. He prepared himself mentally for hurricane Blair, but couldn't, for everything in this world, even think about Dan without feeling guilt. It is sort of stupid, considering that he didn't wrong him in any way. It isn't simple when two strangers are in love with the same girl, when it's two best friends, not only that it isn't simple, it's chaotic.

Dan means more to him than he'd ever let him know, they are men – men who often act like little boys- and men don't do feelings. It's one of the first and the only things his father has taught him that he actually remembers, _Be tough, untouchable if needed, never let them see you flinch._

What he did with Blair last year isn't going to happen again. Well, the going behind Dan's back part, the Blair part…oh if only he could do that all the time. He quickly pushes those eye-pleasing pictures off his mind before things get out of hand and he forgets about the whole _keeping himself out of it _thing.

''Well, well, well. You haven't changed at all.'' Nate immediately turns around as the sound of her voice greets him. He had this whole thing planned where he would be as calm and nonchalant about this as possible… what he never took in to account when planning it out was the affect she had on him in real life.

He grins sheepishly, not hesitating when pulling her in to a tight hug. She leans in immediately, and god, he feels so alive. It's only been a few months, but truly it felt like years to him.

''Is that a good thing?'' He asks when they pull apart. His lips twitch in to an amused smile and she can't help but be thrown by it. He looks the same as in the same handsome posture as ever, the same searching eyes and the same perfect hair…oh the hair.

The only thing standing out since the last time she saw him are his abs. She felt the way they tensed up more than usual when she hugged him, she hasn't decided whether she likes it or is intimidated by it. Dan mentioned something about him carrying on with his jock life so that's probably all to it.

''It's encouraged.''

He intended to mention something in favor of her own beauty but he forgets about it as soon as he notices someone missing.

''Hey, where's Humphrey?'' He asks appearing at ease when really he feels anything but. The possibility that he didn't show up because he hates his guts is what pops to his mind first. The truth is, Nate doesn't know. He can't know because the majority of his conversations with Dan became stupidly unimportant.

He expected Blair to give him the cold shoulder, while he would silently redeem himself to Dan so all three of them can carry on with their unexpectedly perfect relationship. However things are going the exact opposite which only confuses him even more than he naturally is. Dan has no reason to resent him, at least none known to him.

That is unless Blair cracked under pressure and unlocked their little box of secrets. Nausea overtakes his body, it only increases when she doesn't answer right away.

She opens her mouth to speak only to close it as if trying to form an appropriate sentence. He hates it when she does this, trying to cover everything up with diplomatic answers and feigned politeness.

''He said something about running errands-''Blair stops herself, Nate seems more than nervous which puts her in same state. The worst part is, he doesn't even know about her and Dan. She spent the last few nights torturing herself with the possible aftermaths of him finding out.

She narrowed it down to two; either he won't care or it'll drive him out of his mind.

''-he's really excited to see you though.'' Is she lying trough her teeth? Maybe, she doesn't know, not really. For all Dan tells her, she could be telling the truth. But the waver in her voice as she talks speaks for itself. A very intense look of clear dishonesty is passed between them. With all those years of unresolved tension, this really feels like nothing.

* * *

Short but it's something and finally Nate makes an appearance :D from now on all three of them should be present, which means the real stuff begins here. Please leave a review telling me what you think. To all of those who follow/ favorite – double kisses! Till next update, xoL


	5. Change or not

Hello! I apologize for my absence. I was sick with flu and felt unable to get out of bed, left alone write. I am feeling much better now so I'm here with a new chapter!

I decided to make some changes in the way I write, as in I'm putting more dialogues and conversations in to this story instead of my usual style where I concentrate more on what the characters are thinking. I think that conversations make it more interesting and they increase the interaction between the characters.

I know a lot of people get uninterested after a while which is evident in the number of views, reviews and everything, but to those of you who are still here, thank you and I hope you enjoy this! :D

* * *

''This is where I spend most of my time-'' Blair gestures to a nearby bench carved from stone ''- it's rarely crowded and every minute spent without having to look at fashion failures in form of freshmen is a minute worth savoring.''

Nate laughs, a dozen of flashbacks to their high school years a.k.a. the years of Blair's terror fill his mind. Her dedication to these things never fails to amuse him.

''Still terrorizing young girls for wearing last season shoes?''

''Someone has to-'' she sighs ''- what would the world look like if everyone just dressed what they felt like. Just thinking about it makes me physically ill.''

''You once sent a girl home crying because she was wearing tights as pants.'' Dan and Nate never let that slip, neither did the rest of the school, it was the day she earned her reputation and from then on is referred to as Queen B.

''I did us all a favor. I was the one close to crying when I saw it, but no one seemed to care about that.''

He laughs at her overdramatizing ways, so far she seems the same to him. He nods and fakes a look of compassion. ''I apologize, you're the real victim here.''

Blair smacks his arm in response to his teasing and sends him a warning look. She points a finger to his chest as she speaks. '' Don't have me send you home crying Archibald.''

He puts his hands up in defeat. ''I don't even have my tights with me, I promise.''

She laughs and shakes her head at him. She forgot how easy it is to speak to him under normal circumstances. Being with him now only makes her realize how terribly she has missed him. Without even thinking she stops walking and throws her arms around him, making them both shuffle a few steps back. Nate laughs but keeps his arms around her, slowly patting her back.

''I missed you so much.'' She whispers and tightens her grip on him.

At first he doesn't say a thing, he is thrown by her gesture. Hearing her admission makes him swallow hard and more than anything he wants to pull her by her tiny waist and kiss her senseless. For one he is certain that it would earn him a forceful slap and she actually would send him home crying so he drops it.

They pull apart and he misses the warmth of her body instantly. Her cheeks are flushed, he can only imagine his one's being even worse with all the heath she makes him feel. She starts walking slowly, expecting him to follow but he feels like his feet have been cut off. He stands there for a moment, capturing every move her body makes when she walks, from the bouncing brown tresses to the curve of her back - lingering a little longer there – she turns around, her eyes wide at him.

'' Would you stop staring at my behind and move along already?''

''Wha-what?'' His eyes widen while his cheeks fill with bright red blush.

Blair rolls her eyes and sighs. ''I was just kidding, are you coming or what?''

''Yeah-'' he fidgets and tries to redirect his blood in other places besides his nether region. He sends her a dumbstruck smile ''-I'll be right there.''

* * *

''Who is that Nate Archibald guy to up your game anyways? He sounds a lot like a spoiled preppy kid to me, is that really who you worry about?'' Vanessa loudly stirs her coffee, the annoying sound makes his ears hurt.

''Would you stop that already-'' Dan takes the cup from her ''-it's stirred.''

Vanessa huffs as if putting the spoon down is the hardest task in the world.

''It's not like that, I mean we were best friends for years before all of this happened-''

''-how can you be best friends with someone like that?'' Vanessa cuts him off right away.

''He is not that bad.'' Dan claims to what Vanessa rolls her eyes.

''Exactly. It's not his fault he was born rich. What if he turns out to be a real sweetheart?'' Mark cuts in earning an amused look from Dan and one of annoyance from his girlfriend.

''By the looks of it, you should be more worried about Mark falling for him, not Blair.''

''I'm just saying-'' Mark ignores her snotty comment ''-we haven't even met him, therefore we can't judge. For all we know Dan is a huge liar.''

''Ha-ha-ha.'' Dan collects his stuff of the table, it's already pass noon and it's expected of him to be punctual. ''I better go. I'll talk to you soon, I guess.'' He says awkwardly and leaves the coffee shop.

''This is gonna crash and burn, I'm telling you.'' Vanessa whispers across the table.

''Oh hush, stop being so freaking negative all the time.''

''And you should stop being so freaking naïve, Mark.-'' she throws back ''-it's Blair, you know how long it took for her to get comfortable with the idea of them even being together? Just think about the place they grew up in, they were raised on drama and backstabbing. And drama there will be.''

* * *

''Wow, you paid for this yourself?'' Nate asks in awe as he looks around her apartment. ''It's really something.''

''You think?'' She hangs her coat on the tree-like hanger in the hall and walks behind him. ''There's so much work to be done though, these are only the essentials.''

The first thing he spots is a rack filled with Vogue magazine, then another one with departments for her jewelry and of course, a closet that covers the entire length of her bedroom wall already filled with rows of designer clothes. Yeah, those sound like Blair Waldorf essentials. He laughs at his observation but keeps it to himself.

''You drink coffee? Since when?'' he asks holding up a half empty cup. Blair silently curses Dan for never putting it in the damn sink and tries to think of a quick answer. _Come on, this is your perfect chance to bring Dan in the conversation and tell him._

''I have visitors.'' She blurts and squints when she turns away. _Greatly done! _Luckily for her Nate has the attention span of a very excited pup and forgets about it before he even puts the cup away. Unlucky for her, he spots other things.

''Oh my god, Halo 4? Dan and I used to play this all the time.'' He smiles big as he holds the box up. Blair's heart stops at the mention of Dan. Dan…where the hell is he? She's been so devoted to making things slide without a problem she completely forgot about him. She grabs her phone from the pocket of her dress and types furiously. Nate is too engrossed with the game to even notice.

''Yeah, he must have left it here-'' Blair mumbles under her breath, her eyes scan the apartment for any more obvious signs that could blow her cover off. ''-you want some of that coffee or anything else?'' Why is she offering coffee when she doesn't even know how to make some? She usually just presses the button on the coffee maker when Dan sets it up the night before.

''I don't drink coffee.'' Nate responds from the other room. Leaving him alone probably isn't the best idea. She rushes to the living room area to find him looking out the window. There is a mischievous smile on his face which only confuses her further.

''I have so many questions and yes, all of them have to do with you poetically staring out the window.'' She teases ''When did you get so deep?''

He smiles and turns around to face her. ''I was just looking out-'' he leans against the wall ''-New Haven looks better than I imagined, I was right about the preppy kids though, it's like Constance- level up.''

She frowns, deeply affected by his words. Her entire senior year she counted the days till she could escape Constance and its insane standards, she was oblivious to the same policy at Yale, at least until now.

''Whatever do you mean?'' Her brows furrow, she seems genuinely upset with his words so he thinks before he speaks this time.

''I'm just saying, it's not that different.''

''It's very different.'' She argues.

''It's an Ivy League school, honestly, look around-'' he gestures outside ''- how different is it really?''

''So what if it isn't different, maybe I'm the one who's different.'' She refuses to let this go. She worked hard for the past year to make a new life for herself, everything felt fine until now. She could have expected it, it was very Nate Archibald to question everything when it came to her. In a second her emotions went from zero to a hundred on her bitch spectrum.

''This isn't high school, all jokes from earlier aside….this is a different setting, people are more mature, no one cares where you come from and how you dress, it's not some corrupt system where you only get a pass if you're high born. Besides I don't feel the need to be Queen B anymore, I'm fine with being at the bottom of the pyramid. I have new friends here, friends that don't dress in Burberry and don't come with a silver birth certificate.'' She speaks with a well known rush. She feels the need to explain herself to him, she hates having this desperate need for his approval, but she can't get rid of it.

Nate exhales heavily, they've been alone together for what - twenty minutes and already things are heating up to the point where it's unbearable to look at each other. He just can't bring himself to understand this sudden change in her behavior. It feels like he's talking to someone else trough Blair's body.

''What if I told you you haven't changed one bit-'' he strikes back, the determination she has to prove him different pains him ''- when will you realize that you can't fight against who you are Blair? It's great of you to try overcome it, all of us tried at some point…and all of us failed miserably. In my eyes, beneath this entire _new you_ mask, you're still the same. And I don't understand why you would want to change that-'' he stops and steps closer to her, she is standing a few steps away from him, staring at him intensely. ''- you're the most amazing girl I have ever met Blair, and if anyone else thinks differently, they're the one who needs to change.''

Blair feels her eyes tearing up, her mouth is opened ever so slightly in awe of his words. She can't keep her emotions together for the sake of anything in this world so to save herself from a break down she swiftly turns around and heads towards the kitchen.

''I think I'll get something to drink after all.'' She says, refusing to make a comment to what he said because if she starts now it will end up with complete chaos. Her heart beats wildly, she curses him for not acting this way a year ago when they had their chance. Her mind is filled with all of the _what ifs_, as in what if she tried to stop him the last time they saw each other….what if he shut her up with a kiss instead of fighting back….what if she stayed the night before instead of doing stupid things just in spite of him.

Nate's jaw clenches as he watches her walk away. His insides are screaming at him to do something, say something for god's sake. Before his thoughts can reach his throat she is out of eye sight and he decides to be silent from now on. Maybe if he lets her play the _who's more ignorant_ game by herself, she'll realize there's no point to it and come talk to him herself. Yeah, _maybe_.

* * *

Some angsty Nair for the day, please review/favorite/follow, it means the world to me! Till next update, xoL


	6. Chaos

Hello everyone! I know it's a bit late but happy Easter holidays, I enjoyed having a break from school and writing this chapter, I've been dragging this love triangle for a while and it's time to start the action. Enjoy!

*You may notice that the characters are a bit OC, which is understandable since this is sort of an AU fiction, also there's some cussing going on, we never see them cuss on the show but let's be real, most young people swear a lot when they communicate so there's that.*

I don't own the characters, just the ideas.

* * *

How did she get where she is now never ceases to confuse her. She has always been so organized, so put together. Her body tenses in shock when icy cold liquid covers her hand. The glass she's been filling with water tops over, spilling down the faucet. She closes the tap, silently cursing when she spots the water marks on her clothes. She has no time to think about it as the front door opens widely, revealing Dan. She quickly puts the glass and the cloth she was using to dry herself aside and runs to greet him, not giving him a chance to see Nate before he sees her.

''Dan-'' her voice is barely a whisper, she throws in a smile which was meant to conceal her nervousness but does the opposite, making her look twice as nervous ''-you're late.'' She points out. He nods and pushes it aside. Dan looks around the apartment seeking the obvious.

''Is Nate here yet?''

''Yeah, he came about half an hour ago. Where were you?'' She asks once again bringing this up. Why does she care so much if he's late, did something happen? A thousand thoughts fill his mind instantly. A lot could have gone down when he was absent. He decides to ignore these thoughts and goes straight to the point.

''I was with some friends, it doesn't matter-'' he stops for a second, his eyebrow arches suspiciously ''-why are you whispering?''

''I'm not.'' She says a bit louder.

''You are, what the hell is going on?'' Dan looks even more puzzled. She shakes her head lightly and responds with a smile.

''Nothing, nothing at all, are you just going to stand here or?'' In this moment Dan feels the urge to take her by the shoulders and shake her. First of all she is the one who literally flew to meet him as soon as he entered, then she goes on a little questioning rampage and now accuses him of stalling?

Dan walks pass her straight in to the living room. His head is cool but his heartbeat has a mind of its own and thumps loudly inside his chest. Dan isn't the one to get overly upset over things like uncomfortable meetings and such, yet this is giving him a mild heart attack.

* * *

Nate tries to convince himself he is perfectly fine and he almost believes himself... before the spinning in his head convinces him otherwise and he has to clutch the edge of the bathroom sink in order to keep his balance. When the spinning stops he runs the water to the coldest and with shaking hands splashes some on his face. This barely helps, his blood feels heated enough to make his insides burn and to be honest he wouldn't mind that at all. It would be nothing compared to what he felt five minutes ago when his best friend of many many years came out with news that besides school, he has been doing his childhood crush and who Nate believed to be the love of his life. Apparently it's been going on for quite some time and instead of Nate asking why and when was anyone going to tell him, he fled to the bathroom. It's the best he could do to stop himself from punching Dan across the face.

He tries to calm himself down thinking that he was the first one to screw up and he has been the one keeping secrets from Dan all this time…yes and he hates himself for it. It's all he thinks about every minute of his every day. And while he can partially understand being secretive on Dan's behalf he cannot put together why Blair's been doing the same. All of the excitement he felt for being reunited with two people who used to be his escape to everything now feels like being trapped.

* * *

Blair swallows heavily when her eyes meet Dan's for the first time since he let his confession slip.

''What?'' he snaps when he notices her glare fixed on him. She looks away with that cold look of hers, her chin lifted as if she just witnessed the biggest disappointment of her life.

''You shouldn't have done that.'' She says calmly and doesn't fool Dan for a second, the calmness is there just to mask the anger she's feeling and both of them know it. What fumes Dan the most is the fact that he is the one who should be angry, not her.

''No, of course, I should have waited for us to break up and never mention it happened at all, that's what you'd have done.''

She frowns at his answer, her eyes wide at the cockiness in his words. She swears to god, she doesn't even know who she's dealing with anymore, but it isn't Dan.

''I thought we agreed on telling him together.'' She has that almost motherly protectiveness in her voice, making him that more annoyed with her.

''We haven't agreed on anything, you thought of things in your head, you made this elaborate plan of how everything would play out and just expected for everyone to comply like you always do.''

''That's very rich coming from you, I see what you're doing. You promised you'd stop!'' She raises her voice only slightly, while he insists on playing dumb.

''I'd stop what? What do you want from me Blair? I'm here, I'm being polite, what else can you possibly ask from me?''

''Being polite?-'' she asks in disbelief ''-Do you hear yourself, Dan? Nate is your best friend…at least that's what you said... and you're acting like I'm making you sit through a meeting with a complete stranger. The fact that _I had to make you do it_ makes everything even worse. You said you're okay with everything. I thought you had things cleared out with Nate-''

''-but I'm not okay with it!'' He yells all of a sudden. Her eyes are wide at the tone that she only heard a couple of times, but won't let herself get used to. Dan regrets his actions right away, he reaches out for her hand which she swiftly moves away before he can do so. ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you like that, it's not your fault, I'm sorry.''

Blair stares at the floor to hide the hurt she's feeling and shrugs. ''I just don't know what to do anymore or how to act. Things used to be so easy with you Dan….now I just feel like I'm losing control, like I'm losing you…and I don't know what to do about it. I don't understand.''

''I have a lot on my mind, okay, you just have to give me time to deal with it, all I'm asking is for you to give me patience, I promise everything will get back to normal, but Nate and I have to fix it on our own.''

Blair narrows her eyes at him, it's always so easy to see the change of her emotions by the lines on her delicate face, this must be the first time that he can't get inside her head and it's starting to concern him.

''What is it that you have to fix?'' her question throws him off in a bitter way. He is now almost sure she is doing this on purpose, pretending to be blind at the obvious is a trick she hasn't used on him 'till now.

''Never mind.''

She is ready to verbally attack and get her facts straight but Nate reappears from the bathroom causing her to silence herself down... this time.

His eyes switch from Blair to Dan, Blair is aware that he knows something is off between her and Dan, he always knows. He may be oblivious to a lot of important things, but he never fails on sensing distress. He used to use it for good purposes, well this just isn't one of them. The uncomfortable silence between the trio grows with every passing second. She opens her mouth out of sheer intolerance for this torture and Nate seems to have the same idea.

''I should go.'' He blurts at the same time she asks if anyone is thirsty. If the situation wasn't so fucked up Nate would have laughed out loud at her question - her dedication to keep everyone hydrated today and offering drinks every single time there's an awkward silence.

''But where are you going?'' Blair crosses her arms over her chest. ''You just came-'' she lets herself not finish the sentence seeing he already opened his mouth to answer.

''I should look for a hotel before it gets too late.'' Not so much of a lie considering it's not even lunchtime.

''Well, if that's what you want-'' Blair starts fidgeting while Nate is fidgeting on the other side and it's the last drop Dan can take from this day.

''Stop-'' he basically shouts and rises from his seat ''-if this goes on for another second I swear to God my head is going to explode and I'm taking everyone down with me. Can we all just stop pretending everything is normal when it's not even remotely that?''

Blair and Nate share a look before focusing on Dan, neither of them says a thing both out of shame and regret all of them have been feeling.

''Can we all just admit that we fucked up and talk about it?'' He can't even believe his own words or this newfound courage to speak his mind out loud. It's too late now to take any of it back anyways, might as well carry trough.

''Fine-'' Nate is the next one to crack ''-you wanna talk about it, let's talk about it.'' He speaks at the top of his lungs, his fists are clenched almost as much as Dan's jaw is. There is only a small number of ways this can go down.

Nate takes a step forward with determination. ''Funny how you're the one to bring it up, since I've tried talking to you all through the summer, remember how many of those attempts were a success?'' the two boys are standing close now, Blair doesn't really know what her role in this should be, but nevertheless she is ready to break them up if needed. At this point she can hardly believe her own thoughts…breaking up a boys fight? If it weren't so cringe worthy she would have to laugh. So much about leaving high school drama behind.

''Come on now, don't you think that after all these years I can't differentiate you being honest from you trying to be polite?'' Dan runs a hand trough his hair and starts pacing around. ''It has become an Archibald trademark, it works on everyone else, heck you've even fooled Blair.''

The brunette stirs from her place, unwillingly getting herself involved in this insanity. ''I can speak for myself.'' She cuts in, Dan just gives her a look. Being sure it would lead straight to his death, he passes on a perfect opportunity to roll his eyes at her.

'' Stop acting like you're above this, we're not some strangers you can impress with your high maintenance and fake politeness -'' he carries on ignorantly, talking directly to Nate. ''-I get it you've changed, all of us have changed-''

''No that's where you're wrong. Not all of us have changed, even if that would put your mind to rest.'' Nate fights back. To Blair it all seems more like a dream sequence rather than her life. Then she notices something she has never felt before. She's surrounded by two people who used to matter the most, even a person as self centered as Blair couldn't deny that she cared more about them than she cared for herself, that's not a small thing when it comes to her. Now she doesn't even feel safe around them anymore. Yet, like two blind, oblivious people they keep going at each other, argument after argument. She can only swallow that much and she chooses not to be quiet about it anymore.

''I can't take this anymore.'' Her voice rips trough the apartment filling it with dead silence. ''The two of you might as well kill each other, two less things for me to worry about.'' She grabs her coat all while dramatically leaving the place.

As she rushes trough the busy crowd with tears glossing her eyes and her hair swishing when she walks, a realization hits her. This is exactly what she needed, as sadistic as it sounds- and it really does- but things were getting dull in her life.

Playing a heroine trapped between two soulful men may just be the role she was born to play. All eyes are on her as she walks by, an old Hollywood glimmer in her eye (or so her imagination tells her) and she couldn't be more satisfied. The crowd doesn't bother her, she doesn't need applause to live…she only needs the audience.

* * *

Was this any good? And I would really appreciate your opinion as I'm not sure how to write anymore. Do you prefer this new thing with more dialogue or was it better before? Also how do you like the development of this plot, any suggestions, ideas? I would love to hear some as I feel stuck myself.  
Till next update, xoL


	7. Admission

Hello! This is going to be a pretty long author's note so be prepared. Let me start by sincerely apologizing for the lack of updates recently. Whether it was caused by balancing school, extracurricular activities or all the other obligations, I found myself barely having any time to myself. I am graduating from high school in less than a month which means finals and college preparations, this is why in the next two months (till July to be more accurate) my updates won't be as often. I definitely won't stop writing, so no worry there, I'm just asking for some understanding on your side:) I promise I'll try to write whenever possible, but school comes first.

I'd like to thank everyone for the lovely feedback, I cannot tell you how much joy it brought me, I hope our communication will continue.

Now to answer your questions:

R. Bitch– Thank you for your lovely comment, I am glad you like the story! As for the lines above and under text, I do that when editing my chapters here on Fanfiction, when you go to Doc Manager and select a chapter you want to edit, on the toolbar there is a straight line icon that says ''horizontal line''. I hope that was helpful.

Enarmonios – I appreciate you taking the time and leaving a review, especially such a nice one :) As for the prompts I am going to update them once I finish this and I will continue to do so as long as there are prompts to write about, I have about ten waiting in line and I am really excited about all of them, some of them are half written, but I'd rather finish this first.

Rommel82- Hello and thanks for taking the time to read and review! :D I completely understand that this fic isn't everyone's favorite, it was a pretty hard decision on whether I should write it or not. I am glad I did as I wanted to explore something out of my comfort zone. As I said before, after I finish this I am moving forward with Nair so hopefully you'll enjoy that as you have with my previous ones.

Anonymous Guest who asked why this is in the ''Dan'' tag – Dear anon, the explanation is simple. This is a Dan fiction. Dan is one of the three main characters, putting someone's name in a tag doesn't immediately mean they are romantically involved with the other person in the tag. I understand how annoying it must be to want to read a pure Dair fiction and stumble on to this, but if it bothers you so much you can simply remove ''Nate'' from your tag and my fiction won't ever show up again. Also never have I proclaimed this fic to be a Nair one, it's a love triangle story and just because I used to only write Nair doesn't mean I will do the same now, as I pointed out many times before, this is something new that I'm trying. I apologize for the inconvenience but this stays in the ''Dan'' tag.

If you guys have any more suggestions or questions you can PM me or review, I will gladly answer all of them:) now let's get on with the story.

* * *

Nate stands frozen in place as she storms out right before their eyes. That one simple dramatic move is enough to bring back every memory he ever had of her, even the memories all three of them had together. He's starting to look back on time way too much for someone his age, but he can't help it. Constantly bringing back the past in a time like this is the only way of coping he can find comfort in. His eyes carefully switch to the other person in the room and he seems just as shocked.

Dan's brows furrow in disbelief at the scene that had just played out. It's been so long since this place has had anything remotely interesting happen and the thought of him actually enjoying this drama makes him question himself. He should go after her, it's what all the heroes in the movies do, it's what the directors make them do. His life isn't directed by anyone (or so he likes to think) so instead of himself and his own conscious there's no one who can make him go. Clearly he doesn't want to either. Facing her means facing their mess of problems all together and it's something he isn't ready to do. It was never him to turn his back on problems, it's just that it seems like this time there's a problem too many. He feels Nate's eyes on him over the room. The knot in his stomach refuses to ease the grip, the nervousness he's feeling overpowers him. Still, he makes eyes contact.

In that single moment where no words are said and no movements are made, just a simple look, it seems like everything is revealed. Nate opens his mouth to speak, then presses his lips firmly as if to stop himself from saying something regretful. It's all very familiar to Dan, Nate's entire presence is.

''We should've stopped her.'' Nate's cold voice cuts the air. Dan hears him perfectly but refuses to give any sign of that, at least for now. He all but shrugs his shoulders, dropping back to the couch like a dead weight.

''Are you actually concerned about her wellbeing?'' Dan finally speaks much to his distaste. ''This is Blair we're talking about, she'd rather let all of us die than make the victim herself.''

As much of a mean comment that is, Nate has to laugh, it is true after all. ''We shouldn't talk behind her back, even a mile away I guarantee you, she can hear us.'' Nate returns the inter joke.

They share a mutual laugh which slowly turns in to an awkward glance, both of them not knowing where to go from this.

''I'm sorry.'' Nate spills all of a sudden. It isn't rushed; his line is delivered with admirable confidence and calmness. It almost worries the dark haired boy.

''Sorry for what?''

Nate resists rolling his eyes to the back of his skull at this form of tormenting. ''Just-'' he sighs and leans against the wall. ''-everything.'' He can't properly answer the question because in truth, he doesn't even know himself. He wants to believe it has a profound meaning, but the reasonable part of him understands that this is just him being tired. Tired of fighting, scheming, tired of the hate and tired of having to restrict himself around the two people he used to hold dearest.

''Are you being sincere or is it something you feel obligated to do?'' Dan's flat voice awakens him from his musings. Nate thinks about it for a second, really thinks. His answer surprises him to the point where he is almost sure he can't even trust himself anymore.

''I am being truthful. Make what you want of it. Honestly, after everything I don't think I'm capable of caring anymore.-'' He reaches down his pocket to light up a cigarette, anything to keep his mind occupied. ''- At first all of this scared the hell out of me, the thought of everything falling apart…but now-'' he draws slowly to puff clouds of smoke above his head ''-there's no caring when you're numb. It's just that, numbness.''

Dan has a whole speech prepared about him overanalyzing everything but that speech remains right where it is in the back of his throat when Nate says the word _numb_. If there was ever anyone who needed to write a book about his life they could simply put it down to those four letters. It's funny really, because he's too young and should be too reckless to think about things like that. He should be out letting alcohol control his body and mind, having the time of his life, make mistakes, make them again and again trying to learn what he obviously never will. Instead he is trapped inside four walls with a boy just as fucked up as he is, reminiscing about his life. His head feels heavy on his shoulders, even heavier when he tries to balance the weight in his hands so he gives up trying all together. With a swift move he pushes himself of the couch, steadily stepping forward.

''You know what you are, Nate?''

Nate's eyes widen at the unexplainable behavior, his brows slightly furrow as he silently seeks for an explanation – or at least a sign his friend hasn't gone completely mad.

Dan puts his hands on Nate's shoulders, the latter doesn't hide his confusion as this happens, especially when Dan's eyes narrow at him. ''A fucking idiot.'' His mouth is still open to speak, it quickly turns in to a frown when Nate gives a strong push at his chest.

''What the hell is your problem man?'' The two remain staring semi-angrily at each other till Dan finally cracks a grin, not being able to hold it in anymore. In that exact moment everything is as clear as day. Nate is the first to lunge in, his strong grip envelopes Dan's curly head in what they call a ''bro-hug'' and no words are needed in this moment.

''I never thought I'd say this-'' Dan pats his back once they step slightly apart ''-but I actually missed you.''

''Me too-'' he hesitates finishing the sentence and to respect their honest policy finishes it ''-both of you.''

Dan responds with a nod. It's not a an angry reaction or anything else he could have expected, on contrary, it seems…understanding.

''I know-'' Dan speaks. He sits back, it's going to be a long conversation. ''We've all screwed up.''

''No-'' Nate cuts him off ''-you just did what seemed right at the moment, I would have probably done the same thing.''

''Still-'' Dan chews on his lower lip, all of the guilt that's been building up seems to finally start taking its toll ''- I should have told you about Blair and I, you're the first person who should have known. I could have talked to you about it, at least ask if you were okay with it-''

Nate rubs his temples and sighs in silence. If Dan knew everything he's been keeping from him he'd feel half- if not completely- guiltless. His body and mind ache with the urge to just come clean about everything and face the consequences, no matter how drastic they are. He can't do any of it… not without Blair here, not without her knowing.

''I've done worse.'' Nate speaks coldly, the bitter taste in his mouth growing stronger. Dan gives him a strange look, the one of disbelief because in his mind Nate is still just a playboy who likes to joke around and smokes pot. More than anything Nate wishes he was truly only that. ''Look I know you're trying to work it out with Blair. I understand.'' As much as it tears him apart he truly does. He knows better than anyone what it feels like to blow that chance you get once in your life, he would never wish on Dan to go through the same, left alone be the cause of it. That he lets him know. ''The two of you most likely have obstacles ahead of you and I won't be one of them.''

Dan stops for a second before fully diving in to this particular conversation. It's still a sensitive matter and things have been so well so far, he'd be an idiot to mess with that. Still, he's having a hard time believing what he's hearing, even though he can hear honest determination in Nate's voice. It's not that he won't try to keep his promise, it's the amount of self restrain he'll need which to someone as charismatic as Nate will be a hard thing to do.

''But you still have feelings for her, don't you?'' His question catches Nate off guard. He can't say it's unreasonable of him to ask such things, on contrary it would be ignorant if he didn't, but it doesn't make it any easier on Nate. He clears his voice before speaking.

''It would be stupid of me to pretend that I don't, wouldn't it?'' Nate says borderline bitterly, but manages to keep most of his sanity to get through this.

''You're not that good at hiding your affection towards people.'' Dan points out without a sign of resentment. It is how it is, there's really no point in throwing hate at each other.

''Maybe you're just good at reading people.'' Nate jokes to lighten up the mood but both feel tension. He sighs for the umpteenth time before making his point.

''But none of that matters and that's what I want you to remember from this conversation. '' He says seriously ''I love Blair and I always will, but there's a fine line between romantic love and friendship love. As long as she'll have you I won't ever cross it. Even if the two of you are not together, I won't cross it. You know there are people who are meant to be and there are those who are better off without each other.'' Nate swallows hardly following his deeply thought out Oscar winning speech. Maybe now he'll actually be able to live with himself.

''You really believe that?'' Dan chimes in, his head propped on his knuckles.

''I always have.'' Nate nods in confirmation because it's completely truthful, him having a hard time dealing with that belief is something else. ''So-'' Nate leans back on the couch, his mind set on attempting to be a worthy friend for once ''-you and Blair, huh? How does that work?'' He smirks when he actually gives it a thought. Dan and Blair, what an odd pairing indeed, an amusing pairing too. Focusing on the positive side of this entire thing may turn out to be easier than he initially thought and Nate lets himself believe that, enjoy it if nothing else.

''Ugh-'' Dan rubs his hands over his face with a frustrated sigh ''-I'm not even sure Dan and Blair exists anymore, not with the way I've been acting lately.''

''Well that sucks-'' Nate says with a teasing grin which only means he isn't fully there yet. ''Maybe you should write her a poem.'' Oh there he is.

Dan rolls his eyes at Nate's smirking face. ''Go fuck yourself.'' He grunts and smirks himself.

* * *

Okay, so that's about it for this chapter. Sorry there was no Blair but I think it was important for me to explore the nature of Dan and Nate's relationship first. I will do my best to update as soon as possible. Please tell me what you think in the review section below, it means the world to me:) once again thank you for all of your support. Till next update, xoL


	8. Just the way it should be

Hello everyone! It's been a very long time since I last updated but all of my exams are finally over, let's just hope I passed all of them. I missed Fanfiction a lot and I felt really bad for not being able to update regularly but I'm here now to fix it. If there's anyone who is still following this or reading, thank you, thank you, thank you.

This fic is drawing to an end, this is the final chapter. I don't want to complicate things too much as this wasn't meant to be a long shot.

I don't own the characters, just the ideas.

* * *

Silence never used to be uncomfortable around them, not once. It was either the good kind of silence, the one that made you feel like no words needed to be said or the kind where they were simply too busy to talk while doing their own thing. At the given moment, however, both of them could feel the density in the air. Dan runs a hand trough his hair and moves in to a standing position.

''I should go look for her, or call her at least-'' his voice sounds slightly nervous, for someone like Dan it's a very odd thing. He is one of those few people who drink gallons of coffee every day and their hands shake uncontrollably, but his voice is always in check. It only makes Nate realize how bothered he really is with the whole situation.

''Are you sure she's going to pick up, I mean it's Blair. When she wants to put on a show she does it very dramatically. Besides, she has nowhere else to go, just let her blow off some steam and when she's ready she'll be back.'' Nate speaks to his own surprise sounds somewhat mature. That's a new one. Truth be told he feels just as miserable himself. Blair missing upsets him just as much as it does Dan, it's just that he would never admit it. He can't admit it, not after everything that happened earlier today. The two of them finally sorted things out. Him panicking about Blair would allow his feelings for her to resurface, making it that much harder on all three of them.

''No, you're right. It's Blair-'' Dan shakes his head lightly ''-she won't do anything stupid. It's just…ugh-'' he grunts ''-things have been so strange lately.''

''What are you talking about?'' Nate leans forward on his knees.

''Everything is different. I mean, we all knew things would change when high school ended and we wouldn't be together, I guess I just never thought everything would change so quickly. And Blair, she's another person around here. She still has her moments but it feels like the old bitchy Blair is gone completely and as much as I anticipated it so far, now that it happened, I'm not sure I like it.''

''Are we still talking about the same Blair?'' Nate jokes but only half way. ''If you ask me, she hasn't changed at all, she's just matured. And hey, she's having a hard time too. Just think about it-'' Dan looks awfully confused at his words but that doesn't stop him ''- she used to be on the top of the hierarchy in Constance, Queen B.'' He says with fake keenness. ''She has to start anew now, rebuild herself, maybe this kindness is just a way to get there.''

Dan thinks about his words for a while then gets up once again. ''Whatever happened to Nate Archibald who just wanted to ditch school and smoke weed all the time.'' Dan jokes nudging him on the shoulder. There is a wide smile spread across his face, he runs to the front door, turning around right before leaving.

''Wait, where are you going?'' Nate asks still mid laugh.

''I have to find her.'' With that he closes the door. Nate falls back in to his seat with a huff. As much as it would be natural for him to hate Dan for obvious reasons, he could never really bring himself to do so, not when all he has been doing is following his heart. He manages to convince himself it's a good thing for Blair and everyone else. She needs someone to ground her and if Nate has to suffer trough watching her happy with some other guy, well, it's better for that guy to be his best friend. Anything to help him get over it.

* * *

He is going over the speech he is about to give her, choosing every word very carefully in order not to mess up. You only get so many chances and he is pretty sure if he blows this one it's game over for him. He doesn't get that much time to think it over. A familiar figure shows up in his frame, her hair lightly tussled from the spring breeze outside. Her cheeks are blushing as much as ever giving her cold exterior a dose of loveliness that always built up her appearance. All is right again and everything about her is the way it should be, but his mind is still as restless at it could be. In that very moment everything is clear to him. He doesn't need to fear that the game will end for him, not when it never really started. They stand peacefully for a while, simply drinking each other in. There is no tension this time, both of them know the bittersweet talk is inevitable, even though the outcome is pretty apparent. This time she is the first one to speak.

''What are you doing here?'' She asks even though she knows the answer, maybe it's because she needs to hear him say something out loud, it would ease her nerves a lot.

''I was looking for you.'' He backs a few steps, leaning his lower body against a nearby building. She stays in place, showing her hands in her pockets so she won't fiddle with her ruby ring so much. ''I wanted to apologize, but you already know that.'' Her small smile confirms his thesis so he feels free to continue. ''Nate and I made peace, if that's what you want to call it.''

She opens her mouth to speak but only a small gasp escapes her lips. She shuts it down afterwards nodding gently. It was only a matter of time, she never really thought the two of them would fall apart for good. Unlike all the so called friendships she has with girls over time her two boys never disappoint, she can only expect for the same thing to happen between them. It makes her smile but that smile quickly fades and she finally braves herself to talk. ''We have a lot to discuss.''

''You think so?-'' Dan's eyes are all over the place and she just wishes he could stop and look at her for a while. ''-I think there's really just one thing and we're both very aware of it.''

''I'm sorry-'' her voice cracks

''Sorry for what? You haven't done anything.'' He is so calm and put together she thinks he never really cared at all. It makes her offended and relieved all at the same time. What if he was this indifferent right from the beginning and she was too busy handling herself to notice…possible but not set in stone.

''It takes two people to build a relationship and I feel like ours had none.'' Saying it out loud has its weight. In the past she always thought speaking her mind about thingS that could hurt her was a way of self destruction, now it feels like it's the only way to survive trough all of this…it feels empowering.

''I tried-'' he stops mid sentence and shakes his head ''-or I guess I wanted to try but never really got around it, huh.'' His eyes eventually stop going everywhere at once just to avoid her and he makes eye contact. The look on her face provides him with a feeling of pure anxiety and guilt. She doesn't look mad, angry or even vicious, she simply looks disappointed. She bites her lower lip all of a sudden and that look is replaced by a guilt filled one, a perfect representation of what he looked like moments ago. Her lips then trembles and she exhales loudly, blinking away few times.

''There's something I have to tell you first, before this discussion gets any more heated.'' It takes her a moment to gather her courage and finally start speaking.

''We promised to be honest, that's the least we can do for each other, right?'' He urges on. There's a nervous feeling in his stomach refusing to disappear, a confirmation of how uncomfortable this turned out to be and how wrong it would be to keep it going any further than needed.

''Nate and I slept together last year.'' A small pause. ''It happened that one time and as much as I wish I could tell you that it meant nothing that's not the truth. I have no regrets and hopefully he doesn't either. I wanted to tell you, I just didn't know how, I was afraid of your reaction and now I see I was wrong. Not that it's any of your business…or anyone else's business for that matter but you are my best friend and you deserve to know.''

He stares at her for a few moments, his face expressionless. Then he raises his brow and pursues his lips. ''That's okay.'' He says simply and looks at her as if she just told him she likes flowers or anything stupid as that.

''Okay? That's it-'' she throws a slight hiss fit, instead of being thankful and satisfied for his calm reaction she pushes it further. It's almost like she wants him to explode and be mad at them. But nothing, the man remains completely settled. ''-aren't you mad or disappointed. For god's sake yell at me, say that I'm the worst girlfriend ever-''

She is cut off before she gets a chance to burry herself even deeper. ''Why would I say that? We weren't together right?''

''Yeah but-'' she starts with an unclear expression.

''-no buts. I guess a part of me always knew something went down with the two of you. Blair, I may be ignorant most of the time but I'm not dumb.''

She listens to him speak, trying to put everything together in her head as well. He seems to be holding up much better than she ever will and it's throwing her off.

''And that impulsive fight? You haven't talked to each other for months. Was I supposed to believe it was over his stupid car? Come on.''

He clears his throat but says nothing. He simply plops himself down on a nearby bench, and actions she follows suit.

''So what happens next?'' She moves closer so now they're a few inches apart. Her knee touches his briefly and she feels like a little girl again. He gives her a look, then a smile and just like that she is sure everything will turn out all right.

''I get my stuff out of your apartment-'' he speaks and she chimes in.

''I keep a straight face until you're out-'' she says, bittersweet tears already forming in her eyes. He accepts the game and continues.

''I bitterly move in to my old dorm room but I'm secretly overly excited for not having to live in a Chanel-perfumed apartment.'' She breaks in to chuckles at his sentence which sends him laughing along.

''I am relieved I no longer have to keep stocks of stocks of coffee in my cabinet-''

''No, you still have to do that. With my new party oriented flat mates I will use every chance I get to sneak up your fire escape and quietly read my literature there. Coffee is a must, deal?'' He puts an arm around her, rubbing her shoulder in a comforting manner. She leans in to his touch, resting her head on his shoulder.

''Deal.'' She agrees quietly. ''Dan-'' she speaks after a while. She lifts her head up and he looks back at her murmuring a quiet 'huh' ''-I really meant it every time I said I liked being with you.''

''I know-'' he nods with understanding ''-I meant it too. Hey-'' he lifts her chin up with his index finger to make her look at him ''-let's not look at this as something we will forever be bitter about, okay? This isn't an unsuccessful broken relationship…it's just a very successful short one.''

''If you say so.'' She says with a smile and gets up. ''I should go and talk to Nate, I can only avoid him for so long.'' Her eyes concentrate on the floor. As soon as her hands are out of her pockets she starts fiddling with her ring again.

''Are you going to get together?'' Dan asks and even though it would only be natural for him to be furious and exasperated about it, he is simply curious.

Blair draws in her lower lip, shaking her head from side to side. ''No, I don't think that's happening any time soon.''

She waves a little goodbye and turns around to leave. Her eyes look so sad once again that he just has to stop and ask. ''Blair-'' she turns around ''-do you still love him?''

Her lips form a straight line, her eyes rolling up from the floor to the sky where she keeps them for a while. ''I might.'' With that she starts pacing back home.

* * *

The walk back to her apartment doesn't acquire that much time considering she wasn't far away in the first place, yet somehow she feels that when she gets there she won't be on time and he will be gone along with her perfect chance to make everything right. The universe seems to be on her side today as she steps in side and he is still very much present. She gasps, partially because she is relieved and also due to her rushing to get here. He gets up from his sitting position, his eyes a little wider than a moment ago.

''Dan's looking for you.'' He blurts out. He wasn't even thinking before speaking up. It seemed like the right thing to do.

''I know.'' She says and leans against the door as she closes it. ''I just spoke to him.''

Nate shoves his hands in his pocket. ''Is he coming back?'' God his questions are stupid, he is pretty sure she thinks the same, especially with her eyes narrowing at him right about now. He just can't help himself. They've been apart for so long, he is afraid if he does or says something wrong things will get even more screwed up than they already are.

''He is, later-'' she pauses for a second ''-to pick up his stuff.''

Her words pierce him hard and cold. His brows furrow in disagreement, he shakes his head lightly. ''What? You guys broke up, why?''

She is beyond surprised by his reaction. Since when is he the emotional one and Dan the _doesn't-give-a-fuck _type? So it's true when they say people change faster than seasons. Or maybe she just hasn't been paying attention to anyone else beside herself. Could easily be that.

''We were never together-well not for real if you ask me. I think we both just needed someone and it sort of happened.'' She blinks away her thoughts on that, enough moping around, there is still a lot she has to clear out.

''But it meant a lot to have him here, especially since we stopped talking.''

''I thought you didn't want to talk about it.'' He steps closer.

''Did you really think that, Nate?'' She puts her belongings on the table next to the door and steps inside. She takes the seat he had sat on and rubs the side of her head with her index finger. ''I'm tired of fighting, tired of pretending-''

''So let's stop then.'' He cuts in ''Let's stop pretending that we can avoid this forever and act nice about it.''

''I told Dan what happened, about us.''

Nate stays completely still, until he finally turns his head around to face her. ''Was he upset?''

Blair laughs sarcastically ''Not even a little bit. I was kind of offended actually.'' Now she laughs for real. Nate's mouth spreads in to a wide smile, he nods with understating.

''That's what I thought.''

Blair snaps ''Are you serious?'' her brows furrow and she gets up, she starts pacing left to right in front of him, with her fists angrily on her sides. ''Was someone giving lesions in compassion and I was the only one not invited? I don't understand, how can the two of you be so calm about this?''

Nate gets up and grabs her by her shoulders. ''Hey, hey. Stop pacing.'' She doesn't obey so he uses a bit more force and lightly pushes her in to a sitting position on the couch. ''It's just the way it is with guys, I know it's hard for you to imagine a world without drama but for the rest of us peasants, it's quite common.''

She narrows her eyes at him, her lips almost form an irritated pout.

''Are you still mad at me?'' He is sitting next to her now. Both of them decide to play the childish card and 'ignore' each other by staring straight forward instead of keeping eye contact.

''I'm not mad, I'm just frustrated.''

''No-'' he rubs his eyes, then folds his hands in front of his face ''-I'm talking about what happened last year.'' The last part of that sentence is so hard to say out loud but feels good nonetheless.

She breathes in before speaking. ''I don't know. I've been angry for most of last year, even through this semester…but right now…no. I don't feel mad anymore. And I don't regret anything that happened, if that's what you wanted to know.''

A wave of relief washes over him instantly. It's been eating him up since day one. If only he had not been a coward and did the talk right away.

''I loved you-'' their eyes finally meet and hers are watering up ''- it wasn't on impulse, I truly cared about you. I still do.''

She nods and wipes away one tear that managed to escape. ''I care for you too-'' she returns to their eye contact, confident she won't cry again ''-but I think we owe ourselves a chance to be free of this emotional torture and at least try to move on.'' They both know it's the truth, still, it doesn't make it any easier to hear.

''I know, trust me, I know.''

''Will we still remain close?'' she asks with a waver in her voice. He smiles down at her and kisses the top of her head.

''You'd have to hire a hit-man to get rid of me.''

* * *

_One year later_

* * *

''You son of a bitch.'' Nate hisses angrily.

''It's not my fault you can't play.'' Dan mocks shamelessly.

''It's not my fault you're gonna lose anyways.'' Nate resorts and pokes Dan's ribs with his elbow causing him to drop the controller.

''Booya!-'' He rises proudly, raising the console above his head as if it were something sacred. ''What did I tell you, huh? I win.''

''Bla bla blah. If being a cheating motherfucker is the only way you can actually win, so be it.'' Dan raises his voice and gets up in his face, their usual childish ritual every Friday night.

''Oh no, I don't have a dog, I'm more of a cat person. I used to have this-'' the feminine voice from the hallway gets louder, but not loud enough for them to actually notice, not until Nate spots her standing before them with her mouth agape.

''Oh hi-'' Nate greets cheerfully, another figure comes in to picture and he raises a brow ''-hello there.''

''Um, hi.'' The prepped guy says uncertainly. He shifts from one foot to another as he takes in the two guys before him. Blair stands in her original position. If looks could kill, Dan and Nate would be dead and buried…which only makes it that more fun for them.

Dan steps forward, he takes the guy's hand and shakes it firmly, he makes sure to squeeze as much as possible. ''Pleased to meet you, I'm Dan, but you can call me Daniel.''

Nate has to bite the inside of his cheeks not to burst out laughing. Blair on the other side is probably contemplating whether to strangle them with her scarf or the handle of her Prada tote.

''Hi, I'm Romeo.'' He answers, eagerly trying to pull his hand back. He gives Blair an odd look while she offers an apologetic one.

''Romeo? Too bad Blair's more of a Jezebel than Juliet.'' Dan teases further.

''This is Nate, and you should call him just that, Nate.'' Blair cuts in desperately trying to save the situation. Her cheeks are redder than ever and Nate is sure if she bites down on to her lip any harder, it will explode.

''Oh, nice to meet you Nate…and they are?'' he looks over to Blair but Nate answers before she even gets a chance to open her mouth.

''We're her entourage.''

Dan grabs his stomach as a wave of laughter hits him. He sits back to where he was and tries to recover.

''Can I get you something to drink?-'' Blair speaks over the sound of muffled laughter ''Even better, come with me.'' She basically drags him in to the next room and emerges back in a second.

''I am going to strangle you two.'' She hisses angrily. Nate and Dan can barely contain themselves, forever entertained by the situation. ''What the fuck are you even doing here?''

''There, there Blair, that's not the ladylike behavior suitable for someone named Romeo, is it?'' Dan jokes.

''Cut it out Dan-'' Nate turns serious, it gives Blair the slightest track of hope that at least one of them would cooperate ''-I'm sure it took a lot of time to iron out that fancy dress shirt, give the man some credit.'' Nope, she's still alone.

''All right that's it. Both of you out!'' She yells at the top of her lungs. ''Out, out, out.'' She proceeds to grab them by their sleeves, hands, shoulders – whatever- just to move them. Once they're pushed outside of the apartment she gives them one last look just to clarify the intensity of her anger. ''I don't want to see you ever again.'' She pouts adorably and shuts the door in their faces.

It only takes about a second before Nate's voice from the other side speaks ''Pizza and movie tomorrow night at Dan's?''

She leans against the closed door and smirks despite herself. ''I'll bring the beer.''

Nate and Dan share a smile on the other side and slowly start walking back to the aforementioned Dan's place.

''You know she's not going to bring beer, right?'' Nate says with a chuckle.

''Yeah, it'll probably be carrot juice and out of revenge for tonight we'll actually have to drink it.''

''After that kale smoothie I don't think I'll drink anything she brings ever again.''

''Easy for you to say, you're going back in a week, I'll have to stay here and listen to heroic stories about Romeo, of how he saves kittens from shelters and shits gold until it inevitably falls apart and she hates the whole world again.''

Nate smirks ''Enjoy her, she's in a really good place right now.'' He jokes.

''Well if it happens I'll just get her to Skype you, so there.''

''We'll see about that.'' Nate is quiet for a while until an idea crosses his mind. ''Hey, wanna play some soccer, we used to do it like all the time back in New York.''

''Ugh, why the hell not.''

''I bet you'll lose this one too.''

* * *

So this is about it. I'm pretty sure some of you are disappointed there is no Dair/Nair endgame in this, I'm sorry for that. But this is the way I envisioned for the story to play out since the very beginning. And I couldn't hold back my Nate/Dan brotp feelings so there's a lot of that too. Please leave a review telling me what you think of the ending, I would really love to know. As of now I am actually taking another turn in the world of Fanfiction and I've decided that I would try writing a Game of thrones fiction next, so if there's any fans keep out for that. This doesn't mean I won't write Gossip Girl or Nair any longer, I will still update my prompt story at least once a month and probably write some more long shots in the future. Sorry for the long text. Till next update,xo L


End file.
